Money Sucks

9:14 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
This is a game of tag and you're it. It's always up or down, win or lose. You either have the power or you don't. We're a democracy but we aren't democratic. We've gone back to the middle ages, except now the feudal lord is Company President, CEO, and his vassals are all the under-paid, under-priveleged, people working for him. This isn't progress. It's a facade.

Money ruins everything. I mean really. It's just another leash. Another wall holding you in.


"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose
ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

This planet has—or rather had—a problem, which was this: most of the people on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches.

Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans.

And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a girl sitting on her own in a small café in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything.

Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone about it, a terrible, stupid catastrophe occurred, and the idea was lost forever.

This is not her story." - So Long And Thanks For All The Fish

It's mine. It's yours.
Think on that, would you?
xo.

8:32 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I've been dreaming upside down.
Days float by, little butterflies in the air, I can't seem to grab hold of them, always just a little too high.

I'm so very happy these days. So very much in love with me, my life, and the people who want to share it with me. Everything seems far-off and from far-away you can't see the cracks, the holes, the wrinkles on the surface. From fair away, everything is perfect. Everything is perfect when you slow down and back off. My biggest problem is I get too close, too involved and then I think and stew on them. I don't know how not to think.

I suppose I'd rather think too much than too little, but sometimes curiousity and emotion are like the match and the fuse and all the rest of the time you're just waiting for the big explosion. I don't really know. I don't even know if I can accurately examine myself, my life.

There's something about the quiet and the smell of snow and the people too. The people and their vivid colors, popping up off the snow, three dimensional and alive. Ahhh. I don't really know what I've been thinking these days. I don't even know if I've had time to think except in the context of conversations.

And then sometimes I get to thinking too much again about love and life and purpose and I get filled with so many thoughts that I turn inward to that place deep within. It isn't a dark place, just far back, distant. And you can't really tell that you've gone there because you lose a certain consciousness, a certain connection to the real world and just wander about inside yourself wondering which way to go and all the while the Chesire Cat sits there, smiling.

It's like those times when you stumble upon some great line in a book and have to stop reading for a moment because you can't believe someone could know you that well or could write something so beautiful. The story doesn't stop, it lives without you while your gone, but you, you stop living for a moment, a great pause in the unpausable, and then when you continue on again its as if it never happened. But you know it did. The world stopped for a moment and you were the only one to notice.

Well, I'm running on coffee-shop thoughts. My eyes are starting to blur and I have to go read some more. Wordsworth is brilliant.

XO

7:09 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Crazy. I am going crazy.

Divide, Fall Apart

7:36 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I am the proverbial black cat. Watch your back boys, I'm bad luck.

It's strange but being back here isn't all that bad. I brought back a cactus but he's already going brown. I named him Harold. I really hope he doesn't die.

I want to bite into life and let its juice drip down my face, wet, sticky, and glorious. Oh watermellon. I wish you wouldn't be so down. Sing it man. Sing it.

And we are all going to be ok in the end.
I just thought you deserved to know that.

We are all going to be ok in the end.
I'm so damn sure about that, just so damn sure.

11:49

10:49 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I want to go to sleep but I don't want to go to bed. Or maybe I want to go to bed but I don't want to go to sleep. Sleep to dream, dream to wake, wake to live, live to die. Everything's for something else. Your life was never about you. Haven't you learned anything yet?

It's too late and my mind is shutting off. I'm not sure these words make sense or if I am typing them just because I like the sound of my fingers on the keyboard, like little cat feet running across a lineolium floor.

Do you hear what I hear?
No?
Good. At least one of us is sane.

1:59 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
You said today was the first day of the rest of our lives, strange, but I believe you.

10:46 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

What a lie.
People always remember mean.
You remember the boy who picked on you so much more vividly than the one who pulled your hair. I hate fighting. I hate arguing. I hate how I always remember every nasty little thing everybody says.

I'm not invincible on the inside.

1:43 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
This spider web life of mine has left me hanging by a thread.

Blah.

5:12 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
It makes me sad that I can fight so easily with the people I love. I want to change. I knew things would be okay but I don't like this feeling. Insecurity is hell. I'm glad I saw you and told you and we fixed things. I hope I can change. Why is it that the people you love most, always end up being the ones you fight with?

No more. I'm going to go with the flow, roll with the waves. It'll be smooth sailing from now on.

This storm is over.

Oh The Little Things In Life...

4:54 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
I like when I turn the radio on because I forget my ipod and its playing just the right song and I get really happy and start to car dance and the people driving by think I'm weird but then they smile because...they just do. it makes me happy.

I like singing in the rain and jumping in puddles and getting my jeans all muddy because I don't own rain boots. I wish I did. They'd have polka dots or maybe lady bugs on them. It would make me smile. Or maybe they'd be lime green and purple. Cool.

I like washing dishes by hand and taking my time to do things. I wish I could walk to Chicago. I think that would be so cool. So old school. I don't know why. I think I'd learn a lot about myself and people.

I like giving gifts from the heart. Even if they take a long time to make and don't come out perfectly. I like to think I put a little piece of me in each one for people to take with them. I like people knowing how much they mean to me.

I like being whimsical and never knowing where things are going to take me.

I like to put on outfits that don't really match just because they make me laugh and everyone else smile. They're only clothes. Why be normal when you could be funky and make people happy?

I like believing that money doesn't matter. I'd pretty sure I could be flat broke and be 100% happy. I like giving my money away. Buying presents or giving it to people who need it more. I want my heart to move the world not my money.

I like simple gestures of kindness.

I like stories that are inspiring, ones that move your heart and make you think that you too can change the world.

I like innocence

I like having my breath taken away by beauty and kindness. Like when you look at a photograph or the leaves in fall and realize how beautiful everything is.

I like liking things. I don't like using the word dislike or hate. I like being positive and uplifting. I like to think that humanity could change itself and the world for the better. I like glowing and passing that fire on to others.

I like many more things. Big fluffy socks that make your feet stay warm. Bright colors that say "Look over here!" Music that makes your soul dance. Creativity that inspires. Writing. Bass strings. Eyes. Hands. Rootbeer. Finding sea-glass on the beach. Remembering old friends and looking forward to new ones. I like seeing him happy. I like when we don't fight. I like knowing that this is right.

xo.

Rebirth

2:27 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I'm sitting on my bed with my laptop, a saxophone, and a cellphone. Curious arrangement. I've been thinking again about too many things. Lately I've been slumbering through the days waiting for some great cause to come and sweep me away. Been dreaming of places I haven't seen again. I can envision myself living my life so many different ways. It's weird to think about. Everyday you wake up with limitless possibilities. It's quite overwhelming.

Recently I've been doing a lot of reading on Western Medicine and Meditation. This isn't anything new. I've been thinking I'd like to do the "Master Cleanse" but I'm scrawny as it is. I could probably use the detoxification...I feel like I'm full of bad energy. Bad thoughts are bugs crawling in your insides gnawing their way out.

It's time to die.
This is my phoenix life.

Xo.

10:31 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
It's strange to me that I've already gone a year without my best friend. Even stranger the fact that I will have to continue to go on without her for the rest of my life. She wasn't a "dog" to me. She was never inferior. Verbally we couldn't communicate, but we always knew. Dogs are people too. Ah, Samantha. I hope Heaven is treating you well. The memories we shared will stay with me for the rest of my life.

You'll never know how much it meant to me that you wanted me holding you when you died, that you waited until I was holding you to go. I know you're watching over me. I miss you friend. I'd do anything for another day with you. Visit in my dreams.

I'm sorry, but right now, I cannot write anymore.
Rest in peace.

Resolutions

9:33 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Strange how everyone feels that resolutions should be made on New Year's. I don't really understand why then as opposed to any other day of the year. They're all the same, sort of. Each day is a blank slate and just because one happens to mark the start of a new year doesn't make it any different. Resolutions should be an on-going process. Change should be constant in that ever struggle upwards. If you only insist upon changing once a year you're not going to get very far.

And if the resolutions you make are simply "work out" and "eat right" you're also not going to get very far. It's strange to me how people have the potential for so much personal growth and how few actually use that potential or even attempt to use that potential. We could all be our own Gandhi. We could all be our own Mother Teresa. But it isn't that simple which is why they are so highly revered. That type of selflessness and thoughtfulness is rare and isn't something that just happens. It's a continual process of self-evolution. Thoughtfulness, goodness they aren't thing that appear out of nowhere. It is certainly much easier to be bad than good, unaware than mindful. And I'm not saying we have to be Gandhi or Mother Teresa - I'm not implying that we have to become world renowned figures. What I'm saying is that we can aspire to live by similar moral standards.

If everyone behaved in a Gandhian fashion the world would certainly be a better place. War would be a thoughtful enterprise induced out of necessity and would not be war as we know it: it would be peaceful demonstrations and negotiations and would result in compromise rather than in bloodshed. Tolerance would flourish.

I honestly don't understand why it is so hard for large groups of people to get along. We're all just trying to live. I especially don't understand any wars fought in the name of religion and yet each of the major religions have fought either amongst themselves or with others over who is right. I'm sorry but a Holy War is an oxymoron and so is the idea that there can only be one true religion. But anyways, I suppose none of this matters insofar as that this is just my opinion.

And I am by no means in any way trying to say that I am like Gandhi or Mother Teresa. I'm not. I hope one day I can achieve a fraction of their goodness but I willingly acknowledge the fact that, currently, I am not as good a human being as I could potentially be.

Back to my original thought: Why is the notion of making resolutions only emphasized around New Years? Why do peoples resolutions always seem so - I don't know. It bothers me that no one ever promotes resolutions that would better ones "internal" self.

And also why, in all these talks about resolutions, does no one ever suggest that our resolutions rise above ourselves and perhaps apply to a larger group of people? Why can't a nation have a resolution - a goal that all its citizens should try and achieve? Of course the resolution would have to be carefully thought out but the two that come most to mind are reducing one's carbon dioxide emissions and recycling. Of course one would have to outline ways in which a citizen could do his part but I think you'd find that if you gave clear directions a majority of people would be willing to pitch in and do their part.

I suppose after going on and on about Resolutions I should perhaps post some of my own, but I must say that they are not resolutions so much as goals and expectations which I shall do my best to live by.
  1. Move outside my comfort zone on a regular basis; challenge yourself.
  2. Meet new people.
  3. Be healthy.
  4. Find a new hobby and then share it with someone else.
  5. If possible walk or use public transportation. Only drive when necessary.
  6. Read and write as often as possible.
  7. Be a positive and optimistic person; spread happiness.
  8. Always be kind, courteous, and polite.
  9. Learn something new.
  10. Exercise.
  11. Be yourself and love who you are; realize that at this moment you are the best you can be.
  12. Don't be so sensitive.
  13. Surround myself with positive influences.
  14. Be the change you want to see.
  15. Be more organized and responsible.
I could go on and on. There are many things I'm trying to improve in my life these are just the first few that come to mind. A lot of these things I already do but I don't do them as well as I could be doing them and some are things that I've just realized recently. Others are goals that I need to remind myself to do when I least like doing them (move outside my comfort zone). But at any rate I don't think resolutions are something you keep or break so much as aspire to achieve. I will not always be polite or responsible or positive but I think I have a certain obligation to myself and to those around me to aspire to be those things.

At any rate, I need to go take a shower.
xo
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