Adventure!

It's a strange phenomenon that happens. Why do we have to justify sadness. Totally lost it last night and just wanted to be home, in my bed, under my sheets with my hand running across the top of that wooden windowsill.

But I wasn't at home.

Four cloth walls only protect you from the elements. They don't keep secrets safe. Walls of wood and stone are so much more suitable for those nights you feel alone and just want to cry yourself to sleep. Plus, cloth doesn't slam. There's no loud comforting noise to show your pissed off.

The way you just want to scream and do and don't because you want to be loud and don't want to be loud all at once. For some reason, sadness is shameful. Tears are stains not stars so you don't want anyone seeing them fall down your face. No one makes wishes on those...

I just want to live and love and breathe.

Painful realizations are always the ones that come when you're already feeling down. The fact my family can afford to come but won't. The fact that no one fom home ever calls except my mom and sister. The way you call people and leave messages but no one ever calls you back. And the fact that everyone else has a million people calling from home. What's up with that?

And slowly I'm learning the worst torture is to get a message and not call back, leaving someone waiting for the other end of a conversation to start.

Radio in.
Static.
Static.
Static.

Cut the line.

Strangely, I'm learning that even if you think of someone as family, they may not feel the same. I've got you're back broski, but do you really have mine? And I'd give you this skin off my back if you needed it - you probably woulnd't do a damned thing.

Fire burned.

It's strange to watch the progression of days measured in wildfowers. From small little stalks with roots and shoots to budding purples and pinks across the field. Everything is a glow with color. Flowers are fireworks in the grass. They linger and then slowly explode, decompose. Their sparks not burning, but still oh so bright.

Camera eyes always capture the worst moments. Looking back you always remember the oh no's and oh why's. Smiles fade. You remember that time you cried. The time you lied. The time you did everything you didn't want to.

Sometimes I think I try to rationalize my sadness. Try and make it logical. When I can't, I make up a new past where everything seems reasonable and I'm not responsible for why I'm down. It's someone else's life and I'm just empathizing. Patting them on the back and saying I wish I could take this on for you.

I enjoy a good cry when I'm down.
I just hate to admit that I like crying for the sake of crying.
No reason needed, just that I feel down...