I'm Not Running
1:18 PM Posted In Faith , Family , Fighting , life , Love , strength Edit This 0 Comments »
I was so happy to be at church even though seeing Seth hurt. I don't really know why it hurt, but it did. I just felt so empty on the inside. Physically hollow. It's weird though because I've still been my usual happy self even though the way this all went down sucked hardcore. I still feel like that poem. I guess I just wish we could talk or something. I don't know. Everything is so bizarre. He's like a living ghost or something.
You just have to let it go and live your life.
I feel like I'm on the edge of something, standing in-between two places trying to figure out which side I want to be on. Everyone keeps saying I'm wearing rose colored glasses, maybe I am. I don't really know why people would want me to take them off. I guess it's because optimism is a two edged blade. It'll either cut through all the crap or it'll stick you good and hard. You just have to be ready for that. I've got my armor on nice and tight.
But I think we need to assume the best in everyone, in everything. I don't know. I wish I could fix things but it's no longer my place. I wish relationships didn't end in explosions where both sides are left wondering what the hell happened, neither party talking to the other. I don't know. I just think silence is impossible.
But I'm in a really really good place right now. I'm so glad I went to church. I just felt so at home and at peace there. It hurt though, going home to my house. I just wanted to have an open conversation with my mom about how I felt but my dad made it impossible. He said me going to church was stupid.
It hurt so so so much.
I just wish people could understand that life goes beyond our own sorrows.
That's why I've kept going. It's not about him or me or us. It's a God thing.
But he went on and on about how it's stupid to intentionally go somewhere where you'd see a person you loved so much. I think it's stupid to quit something just because of awkward hurts. I mean really. Plus, if you can't even face the hurt then I doubt that you're really dealing with it.
Running away is just stupid. Cowardly.
I'm tired of being judged on what I do or don't do.
I'm tired of people arguing with my heart.
I'm so much stronger than anyone ever thought. And yes I cried and yes I'll probably do it again, but why do tears mean weakness. What's so wrong with professing the song your heart is singing? True strength is facing what you feel, not turning your back to it.
The end.
You just have to let it go and live your life.
I feel like I'm on the edge of something, standing in-between two places trying to figure out which side I want to be on. Everyone keeps saying I'm wearing rose colored glasses, maybe I am. I don't really know why people would want me to take them off. I guess it's because optimism is a two edged blade. It'll either cut through all the crap or it'll stick you good and hard. You just have to be ready for that. I've got my armor on nice and tight.
But I think we need to assume the best in everyone, in everything. I don't know. I wish I could fix things but it's no longer my place. I wish relationships didn't end in explosions where both sides are left wondering what the hell happened, neither party talking to the other. I don't know. I just think silence is impossible.
But I'm in a really really good place right now. I'm so glad I went to church. I just felt so at home and at peace there. It hurt though, going home to my house. I just wanted to have an open conversation with my mom about how I felt but my dad made it impossible. He said me going to church was stupid.
It hurt so so so much.
I just wish people could understand that life goes beyond our own sorrows.
That's why I've kept going. It's not about him or me or us. It's a God thing.
But he went on and on about how it's stupid to intentionally go somewhere where you'd see a person you loved so much. I think it's stupid to quit something just because of awkward hurts. I mean really. Plus, if you can't even face the hurt then I doubt that you're really dealing with it.
Running away is just stupid. Cowardly.
I'm tired of being judged on what I do or don't do.
I'm tired of people arguing with my heart.
I'm so much stronger than anyone ever thought. And yes I cried and yes I'll probably do it again, but why do tears mean weakness. What's so wrong with professing the song your heart is singing? True strength is facing what you feel, not turning your back to it.
The end.
0 comments:
Post a Comment