We Will Lie Under Different Stars...
6:54 PM Posted In Future , life , Love Edit This 0 Comments »Always Yesterday, Always Tomorow
9:57 AM Posted In Love , Past , poem Edit This 0 Comments »Again.
8:29 PM Posted In confused , Future , hero , life , lost , Love , money Edit This 0 Comments »I want to save the Earth.
I want to save the humans.
I want to save the animals.
I want to save the plants.
I want to save us all.
I want to be the light at the end of the tunnel.
Hold on, your almost at the exit.
Hold on, I'm coming to save you.
These days I feel like I've drifted from who I am. I want to fall back into myself, except this time, fall deeper. Think the thoughts that keep me from sleep, so I'm forced into day dreaming of all that I can become. I'm going to do things I'm afraid of doing.
I got a dog sledding job. And I am so incredibly pumped.
But the big question is, how can I use this to help the world.
The real question is, what can I do to change the world.
Tomorrow doesn't exist.
I need to act here and now.
But which call am I supposed to take up arms for?
Love. love. love.
And if love were the currency of the day we'd all be trilllionaires.
Love isn't a commodity.
Spread it all around.
I don't know you, but I love you.
I don't need this money, here go ahead and have it.
Put the guns down.
Enough.
Love Covers All Things
9:39 AM Posted In God , life , Love , Peace , Philosophy , Possibility , Thoughts Edit This 0 Comments »I've been pouring through pages highlighting phrases that make me heart think, make my head sink. Sometimes the best ideas are the ones you slowly figure out, unsure if they're right or wrong or neither. The best ones have no answer and just force you to try on another pair of shoes. See the world from a whole different point of view.
O me! What fray was here?Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all.Here's much to do with hate, but more with love.Why, then, O brawling love! O loving hate!O any thing, of nothing first create!O heavy lightness! serious vanity!Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms!Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health!Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!This love feel I, that feel no love in this.
Romeo and Juliet I.i173-182
And it wasn't this that spurred on my thoughts rather just expressed them. And it isn't a revolutionary thought, in fact it's been stated pretty much since...well the beginning.
What if love is the cause of everything. What if love is "the root of the root and the bud of the bud / and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows / higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide..." (E.E. Cummings)
What if love had not opposite? Maybe hate, is not the opposite of love, so much as it is the absence of love. This is where the problem in my arithmetic begins to confuse me.
Hate isn't even so much an absence of love so much as it is too much love being applied to one thing, typically oneself. Love of self tends to overshadow our lives. It's not that we don't love other people we just tend to put ourselves first. Maybe fear is a more appropriate opposite to love than hate, although I don't think it is love's opposite so much as a roadblock. In perfect love, there are no such things as rankings. The question is, what does perfect love look like?
And honestly, I think this does it the best:
Perfect love is patient, perfect love is kind. Perfect love does not envy, perfect love does not boast, perfect love is not proud.
Perfect love is not rude, perfect love is not self-seeking, perfect love is not easily angered, perfect love keeps no record of wrongs.
Perfect love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Perfect love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Perfect love never fails.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I find the whole idea of everything being born from Love somewhat comforting, somewhat terrifying.
And God is synonymous with Love. Throws another whole wrench in the system.
The scary thing is if you read about Jesus's works, he pretty much fits that bill.
Granted Corinthians was written after him, but regardless.
The whole God issue is a little too big for me to wrap my mind around.
I don't know. I walked myself in circles and spun myself a bit too much on this one. I think I even lost myself. I've got question marks floating throw my head like balloons at a birthday party. I'll keep thinking on this. Although I think this works better as a discussion outside of my head then in it.
In the end, I just want to love people, all of us.
Love is not a commodity. It is the only resource which is infinite. So why hold back?
XO
Haunted
7:50 PM Posted In beautiful , friendship , Happiness , Loj , Love , Moments , Optimism Edit This 0 Comments »I think the best parts are those unexpected friendships. The ones where you didn't think what was going to happen does and it's totally serendipitous and it leaves you on a slow motion upwards ride. From on top the world looks mighty fine.
Lately, my biggest frustration is other people being unhappy. I want to snatch away their pain and just say "here! take my glasses! the world's much friendlier through different lenses." But you know how it goes. Sometimes what we see as beauty is another's tragedy.
Sometimes we trump around stories because we don't know what else to do with him. They're like explosions inside us and if don't let them out we threaten to tear ourselves a part. Or sometimes life is just so beautiful that we just need to share it. Not to compare it, but just to say. Wow. Aren't things amazing?
I saw a ghost last night. No joke. I'm still wigged out. The way the boundaries seemed to blur between the living and the dead. The past and the future. So much came together this weekend and so much finally ended.
Believe it or not, I think my favorite part was talking while doing dishes or sitting out on the back porch in the cold looking for shooting stars. Just one of those things where you are totally absorbed in the moment. Time seems to escape you and all that you become are words and stories and ideas and the future seems oh so infinite and everything seems oh so possible.
The glorious thing is, you wake up from your reverie and find out it is.
Live it.
Love it.
XO
Keep Growing
5:11 AM Posted In Golden , life , Love , people , poetry , World Edit This 0 Comments »Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Everything seems to be breaking itself down into its simplest form but I'm resisiting change.
"Your tongue is a rudder that steers the whole ship" but my mouth has been closed for days. I'm drifting in between thought and dream. Sometimes life gets going so fast that you get lost in the inertia. You'd think living on a boat would slow things down, but it doesn't at all.
I'm moving faster than ever but all I want to do is stop. Rewind. Backtrack. Your heart is a record stuck going in circles singing out the sweetest of melodies, the saddest of songs.
I'm tired of people being mean. I just don't understand the concept. I'm tired of being on the receiving end of every bad intention gone horribly right. I'm tired of being a punching bag just because I'm strong enough to stand the bruises. I'm tired of taking other peoples losses on my shoulders when no one will take mine.
Sometimes my optimism is a curse. Instead of disliking others I just end up mad at myself wishing I could be angry, wishing I could stoop down to that level and just tell everyone to go away. But I'm incapable of disliking a person. I'm incapable of not-forgiving. Maybe that's a good thing.
Except it seems to run against everything everyone else believes in.
Crowned in scorn
Sometimes love is a parasite and your body’s the host
Sometime your world has to flood, you save what you need
Get on the boat till the waters recede
Pretty good for a half hour...
Work Time
When Growing Up Was Easy
5:04 PM Posted In friendship , life , Love , Music , poetry , summer Edit This 1 Comment »The hot heat smothering us
And we were all together
You would sing the ABC’s
We’d laugh.
Because everyone was around us
I'm Not Running
1:18 PM Posted In Faith , Family , Fighting , life , Love , strength Edit This 0 Comments »You just have to let it go and live your life.
I feel like I'm on the edge of something, standing in-between two places trying to figure out which side I want to be on. Everyone keeps saying I'm wearing rose colored glasses, maybe I am. I don't really know why people would want me to take them off. I guess it's because optimism is a two edged blade. It'll either cut through all the crap or it'll stick you good and hard. You just have to be ready for that. I've got my armor on nice and tight.
But I think we need to assume the best in everyone, in everything. I don't know. I wish I could fix things but it's no longer my place. I wish relationships didn't end in explosions where both sides are left wondering what the hell happened, neither party talking to the other. I don't know. I just think silence is impossible.
But I'm in a really really good place right now. I'm so glad I went to church. I just felt so at home and at peace there. It hurt though, going home to my house. I just wanted to have an open conversation with my mom about how I felt but my dad made it impossible. He said me going to church was stupid.
It hurt so so so much.
I just wish people could understand that life goes beyond our own sorrows.
That's why I've kept going. It's not about him or me or us. It's a God thing.
But he went on and on about how it's stupid to intentionally go somewhere where you'd see a person you loved so much. I think it's stupid to quit something just because of awkward hurts. I mean really. Plus, if you can't even face the hurt then I doubt that you're really dealing with it.
Running away is just stupid. Cowardly.
I'm tired of being judged on what I do or don't do.
I'm tired of people arguing with my heart.
I'm so much stronger than anyone ever thought. And yes I cried and yes I'll probably do it again, but why do tears mean weakness. What's so wrong with professing the song your heart is singing? True strength is facing what you feel, not turning your back to it.
The end.
With Roses In My Hands
2:05 PM Posted In Family , Golden , life , Love Edit This 0 Comments »I've been thinking about what these days could have been and comparing them to what they are. Life is strange like that. But it's all so beautiful that underneath whatever it is THIS is the glory still shines through.
I hope the sun is spotting its light on you and that you're finally tasting the sweet tangy flavor of oxygen. I'm breathing deep and living simple.
I started a new journal. On paper. The last one was too full of tears so that every time I opened rivers of problems that were no longer mine flooded out into my face and drowned me in depression.
I'm not worried about me or about anyone, really. I don't know. I just feel like everything is going to fall into place suddenly, beautifully, like the way you go to sleep with stars and grass and wake up with a blanket of snow.
Transformation.
Play Crack The Sky
7:51 AM Posted In Destruction , Faith , God , Hurt , life , Love , Storm Edit This 0 Comments »I wanted you to be ok, but you looked like a hurricane, looked like you felt like a hurricane. And I couldn't do anything locked up in my basement, waiting for the storm to pass. I imagine no one will know what to do when it's over.
Sometimes you have to tear down the world so you can recreate it.
Sometimes out of devastating destruction the most beautiful things are born.
It takes rough waters to make the smoothest stones.
I finally realized that all you were doing was your best. Trying to find some wood to cling to. Trying to stay afloat. I hope you found that life raft. I pray it's coming soon if it isn't there yet. And I never realized how much I wished I could have carried your burden.
I want you to be better. I want you to be ok and to know that even if you're not ok that you're going to be ok. I want you to know I love you but I'm doing fine on my own. I want you to know that everything will work out and that you are strong. I want you to know that in the end, I will always always be your friend.
XO
Intrinsic Reflection on My Life and It's Sections...
4:45 AM Posted In beautiful , Beginnings , Faith , Future , God , Golden , life , Love , moving forward Edit This 0 Comments »I pulled God up on the telephone while on the freeway in-between points A and B. Suddenly everything just made sense in the fact that it didn't. It made sense because talking with God, I realized how at peace I was and how breaking up was such an incredibly freeing experience. I am free. I realized so many powerful things that it doesn't matter (nor did it ever) if there were ulterior motives behind the decision.
It's not that it doesn't still hurt, it does a little. But not because I want to get back together. I think the only reason it hurts sometimes is because I thought I knew a person. I thought I understood him. And maybe I still do, I'm not sure. It's hard to tell. There are some things you will never know about anyone because as close as you get to being able to read each other's thoughts, you can never know them. Everything exists solely on a faith of some sort.
It hurts because I felt like it could have been done with so much more class, so much more honesty. I don't think breaking up is ever easy, but I think because of that it has to be done with grace. I don't think this was graceful. And that's ok you know, I'm not angry. In fact, I'd still like to be friends. I'm not really sure why. I don't think relationships are something that should just be tossed aside. I don't think kicking someone out of your life after having been with them for so long is healthy. I don't know. I'm fine with being friends, but at the same time I know he doesn't think so.
It's strange how much you learn about people by removing yourself from them and just watching their actions unfold. What we don't do is equally as important as what we do. Inaction speaks as loud as action, sometimes even more so. In the end, all I feel is sadness for him. Maybe that isn't what I should be feeling. Maybe I should be feeling happy for him. Or maybe I shouldn't be feeling anything at all. I'm not really sure. I'm not one to deny my emotions or run away from a problem.
What I realized during that conversation with God was that I had been trying to solve his problems when they were never mine to solve. I realized that all this time I thought I needed him, but I never did. I never did at all. And it wasn't even that I didn't know that at the time, I did, it just came so clearly now that he was gone. I thought I needed someone else's love to prove my worth but I don't need to prove anything. I have God's love and to say that I needed more, that God's love wasn't enough just seemed so selfish.
And I've been realizing how selfish I am and it makes me sick. I want to change. I don't know where to begin, but I'm beginning by doing less thinking of myself and more thinking of others. Being selfless isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. That's my goal.
My other goal is to be less judgemental. I can be pretty shallow sometimes and looking back at my relationship with Seth, there were definitely points where I was really shallow and selfish. I'm sad that I ever acted that way, but I know that if I can look back and recognize what I was doing then I'm taking a step forward in the right direction.
I want to love everyone. I want to love people for being people, not for the way they look or talk or act. Love is not a commodity. It isn't conditional. You don't get love for doing good instead of bad. Love is, by definition, unconditional. I was reading Blue Like Jazz and it said that one of the miracles of the Bible was that Jesus never played favorites. He loved everyone and he loved them equally. I think that's a really beautiful thing.
We should love everyone because we are all beautiful. We are all filled with something greater than our selves. I want to move forward and learn in Faith. I want to love people because love is beautiful and turns this black and white world into a world full of color. And when you start to think about Jesus and what he did and how he did it, how could he not be God? Maybe that's a shocking statement to you. I don't really know.
It makes me so terribly broken hearted though, how many atrocities have been committed in His name. People molding faith to fit their wants instead of letting their faith mold them. If we just let go of ourselves, wouldn't that be a very beautiful thing?
I love you, whoever you are.
Serenity
9:20 PM Posted In Future , life , Love Edit This 0 Comments »Love starts on the inside and works its way out. It emerges in full color like a sunrise after a hurricane. Bliss. Love is the soul breathing out it's purpose for the world to be known. And I'm learning that the most important type of love isn't limited to a single individual. You don't save it up on rainy days to cash in later for a better model. Love is for everyone and everyone deserves our love.
Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
If only everyone could just understand.
And all those rumors buzz around like fireflies lighting up my sky, but I'm too busy gazing at the stars. Too filled with love, awe, and wonder. I see them, I'm curious. But in the end, I know what we had mattered to me even if it didn't matter to you. So whether those fireflies are glowing with truth or deception, doesn't really matter. The fact is they're glowing. The fact is, my face has turned to look at something bigger, something more glorious. The fact is that the light of a firefly fades but that the stars never do.
I unpacked the poem he wrote, wrapped in a clockwork orange, wrapped in a memory, wrapped in love. It's strange how you can love a person but realize that the person you are loving is a memory and no longer exists. This new person isn't the man I fell in love with. He's a boy.
And that's ok. Because sometimes the world is too scary to deal with as an adult. Sometimes you need the security blanket and the reassurance of your mother's hand. Life isn't easy. I know that.
The firefly's are swarming.
Even if my tears are glistening in the moonlight, all I can do is smile. Because in the end, all you have is yourself and God and I'm learning each day now how neither one is really separate. He wraps himself around your heart so you can't help but be changed. And never say you did nothing for the world because the greatest miracle in this world is the fact that you are alive and that God is alive within you.
I pray that shooting stars fall near where you're watching and that you reach out and pluck those wishes from the sky because I don't need them. And if I could, I'd save the ones I see in a jar and give them to you next year on your birthday.
The biggest misconception the world feeds you is that unless your life is in perfect order you cannot be happy. You don't need perfection to be happy. You don't need anything at all. Just let go, live in the moment, and smile as big as heaven.
Breath Out.
First Mile Down
7:56 AM Posted In Future , Golden , happy , life , Love , Moments , moving forward Edit This 0 Comments »My heart won't let me forget. It drags your face out across the night so my whole soul must see it for six hours long. Forcing me to acknowledge what is hurting, reminding me that pain exists. Searing open yesterday's wound so it can reheal stronger.
First love. First heart break. The tangled webs of our lives choked me. I'm breathing easy now. But I am still confused. I love him and I loved him. Does that just go away? Can it just disappear? Or does it change into something else? Or do we just go our separate ways?
I don't understand how you can move on and leave your best friend behind forever. Maybe I wasn't his, but he was surely mine. It's strange, I know I'm not ready to just be friends, but I also know that I don't want to leave him behind.
I want him to be better. I want to fast forward to the time were he and I can hang out and be friends and think back on the time we dated and not be awkward about it. I want that time to come and I want to know when it does, but how do you know?
I don't want to lose my best friend. And maybe he can't be my best friend anymore, and I think that's ok. I think maybe that's normal and natural. I don't even know what I want. I want to know he wants the same. I want to know I mattered, the way he did to me.
And I do know. I did. My heart has all the answers. But right now my heart is a little confused. This is the end for right now but not forever. And when I say not forever, I'm not saying I expect us to go back out again. I don't have any expectations. What's hard isn't the silence. It's not knowing how long the silence will endure.
I am a painter and I'm lining up bright colors for my canvas.
I think I shouldn't talk of this anymore.
I've had my time to mourn.
This was all an under-painting.
The real work must now begin.
xo.
Just Relax, And Recap, And Relapse
9:38 PM Posted In golden. , life , Love Edit This 0 Comments »It was probably a stupid thing to do. But if anyone would understand, I think it would be him. And it wasn't really anything important. Just what was on my mind, what was on my heart. Earlier, I'd said I want to go to vineyard but in the email I was open and honest. I am trying to tell myself that its for someone else, for me, for God...and while it would be for me and for God, part of it would be for Seth.
I don't know. I want to go, but it doesn't feel right. I want to go, but I want to go for me. I want it to be for me and for God, not for him.
Today, I spent the day digging in the dirt like I was back in first grade. Holes, salamanders, and worms. Helping Grandma was fun. We watched Bride and Prejudice when we were all done. Fun stuff.
That's all.
I'm thinking on repeat.
Time to shut the machine off.
5:52 AM Posted In Golden , life , Lonely , Love , poetry Edit This 0 Comments »
And then you were burning.
Brilliant shades of brick red, blazing yellows
And shimmery shining boiling blues
That were brewing into one artistic blur
that was once called life
That black brush that bound soul in body
Soundlessly sinks and settles
in the slow syncopation of flame
That fierce fighting faultless flame
that once burned brightly within
Now flawlessly feeds on your soft mortality
Now lawlessly bleeds on your simple perfection
Now fragments bone through sluggish baking
The glaring flaring heat floods
across you far from my face
But I know what it’s doing:
The heat licks and flicks and kicks
all across your body breaking you down
bit by bit, bone by bone,
so that you die all over again.
You were the beacon
The sunny sparkling symbol of hope
the loyal luminous light warming
The cold and the cutting chill of childhood,
illuminating the waves of wonder
that wander the world waiting to be captured.
You were all that is good.
You had been in my arms
Looking and living and loving
Breathing and beating and blinking
Blood pumping and pouring.
You had been in my arms
And I, I didn’t know what to do.
I was scared but you were strong.
It was then that for those brief drawn out moment that
The quilt of time shattered sending shards of life
splicing and soaring through the air.
They sailed by us, each single memory.
And for so long all that we could see was one another
both in and out of time
You watched tears fall furiously
From autumning eyes that followed
Your every heart beat, your every glance.
I mapped them in my memory
traced the trailing outlines with my heart
but that thin and fragile line is failing now
and our lasts moments together slip
and slither out of my straining hands.
Time tepidly took you
As you unwound your last bit of yarn
masterfully making your mark on the world
Letting the quilt come together again:
Leaping threads overlap as life
continues to weave its long unending pattern
Days and weeks are sewn into months and years
but you have left that measured rhythm
in search of another song
You regally rallied a final look.
You weren’t scared.
But still I rewind and unbind the weaving
Searching for the single strand that was you
I pull and tug undoing the rug until the thread
of me is wrapped with the thread of you
Until you sigh your last sweet breath
You stare into my eyes
then time stops for seconds
As we sing our finally harmony together
I smile and the spell is broken:
your soul escapes into the sky.
You had been in my arms
And then my arms were
Holding you and not holding you
But time, life, love - they didn’t stop.
That You Could Be Well Oh That Strong
9:18 PM Posted In beautiful , Future , God , Golden , life , Love , strength Edit This 0 Comments »I know this has all been hard, but I'm glad it happened. I never realized how strong I was. I know I broke down, I know I called, and I know I may do it all again, but I'm ok and will continue to be ok. If this is the end then what a great run we had. If this is the end and we had such a beautiful run then just imagine what the future has in store for me and for him. If this isn't the end then imagine how much better the future will be.
The deer ran into my yard and just looked at me and I knew everything was ok and was going to be ok and would always be ok. I don't really know how I knew that, but I guess that's what faith is. It's like I know that no matter what happens everything will be ok.
Life can throw me all the punches it wants. I'm a prize fighter. I'll walk away with the trophy.
Losing all hope isn't freedom. Having hope in all possibilities is.
There are no endings, just new beginnings.
xo.
Making Up
8:49 PM Posted In life , Love , poetry Edit This 0 Comments »the perfect gift.
Diamonds
Rubbies
Sapphires
Lost.
Under couch cushions
on the street
down the drain.
Gone
Memories of a rock
aren't very heart-warming,
but your voice,
those words -
Unforgetable.
48 Down
5:44 PM Posted In Confusion , Love , Music , Perfection , Telephone Edit This 0 Comments »Got you on the telephone line and got so damn confused. Somedays you feel like all you have are answers, others just questions. Today was one of those question-days. Why? Why? Why?
I feel like one of those old-school am/fm radios where every touch either brings you either closer to perfection or closer into the unknown. I'm drifting into static.
I don't know. Somedays are so bizarre and its strange because as far apart as we get sometimes, the closer I realize we are. I don't know. I just wish everything would be ok and, I don't know, that maybe we would realize that sometimes we're both insentive and stupid.
It's crazy, but my head's still spinning.
I hope this ride never ends.
XO
Let Love In
2:23 PM Posted In Faith , Love , Music Edit This 0 Comments »
I wish
Wishing for you to find your way
And I'll hold on for all you need
That's all we need to say
I'll take my chances while
You take your time with
This game you play
But I can't control your soul
You need to let me know
You leaving or you gonna stay
You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in
There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to do without
The only way to feel again
Is let love in