4:59 AM
Posted In
Faith
,
God
,
Golden
,
poetry
,
slam
Edit This
Stop reading and start writing.
Start praying and stop fighting.
Go write your own Bible.
Because it's not enough to read,
you have to listen too.
To the divine spark dwelling inside of you.
Remember, you are a temple that houses God
So take off the facade
that would make you believe
you're worth any thing less.
Look at yourself! you're gorgeous!
The most Holy of Holies
How could you ever declare
That beauty unworthy
5:57 PM
Posted In
Faith
,
happy
,
language
,
life
,
moving forward
,
Music
,
Writing
Edit This
Lyrics have been lolling through my head on an endless record player. I speak in music because my soul is a song composed by God and I just want to sing of the beauty that is life. I could write a million songs if I just had someone to sing them. I guess that's how it always goes. I'm sorry I have been away for so long. I guess that's a good thing. Sort of.
My pulse is a drum beating to time. My lips two cymbals/symbols like fireworks on the fourth of July screaming "look at me! look at me! Here I am!" Captivating audiences under momentary bursts of flame that stand frozen for a second the fall like the rain...
My heart is a canyon carved by friction and time. The biggest cracks are filled with devotion so that the two opposing sides merge into one. Flow to me. Come to my banks and put your roots in. I'll feed you for ten thousand years and even when the sun is scorching, you my love, will be fine. Living in a reservoir so infinite that you cannot fathom hunger. Hunger. Flow to me lover, come to me and grow with me lover because the river is full and the banks are firm.
A billion words are trying to escape my soul. Like a volcano, my soul erupts in sound and fury and ink. From the end of my pen drip ideas that scurry about on the page alive. I write heartbeats. I guess the main reason my blog has been so empty is because my journal has been so full.
I am a river who's growing and flowing into the future and every person I meet drips into me, refilling and refueling my journey - adding to me so that although we are not one, we become one and though we do not walk the same path, we arrive at the same destination.
I talk to God a lot in the shower. When my hair is wet and my fingers are foamy and the steam rises to rinse the sleep out of my eyes. Everything just rises away in the heat. Everything blurs away in the cold that sometimes seeps in if someone slips into the other shower. And maybe I'm most honest with God when I'm in the shower because I have no clothes to hide behind.
Everywhere I go I feel like he's just saying the same thing. Let go. And it isn't of people or places, but of things. Let go of the money. Renounce it all. And it's strange because I don't think of myself as one who spends money obscenely, I don't spend it all that often even. Rather I feel like I'm just supposed to work and give it away and work and give it away some more. All and all, I like that idea. Except the part where I'm human and I like to be able to do what I want.
You know, I think the greatest flaw of the English language is that we capitalize I but we don't capitalize "you" or "we" which one would think are a great deal more important or at least should be. I think this in itself shows that we are self-centered.
I read about Native American Cultures that, way back when, had never heard of the first person singular. It was never "I." It was never about "I." It was all about "we" and "you" and when I think about that, I think how beautiful life must of been and I wonder if the elimination of the word eliminated the problem.
Is the word "I" a symptom or cause of the disease? je ne sais pas. The thing is, I don't like not capitalizing I because I am human. I like having things look right. I wish this wasn't the case. Maybe I should do it, just to break myself of this annoying tick. I also hate the red squiggly line that pops up whenever I misspell a word.
i am tired. time for bed.
1:18 PM
Posted In
Faith
,
Family
,
Fighting
,
life
,
Love
,
strength
Edit This
I was so happy to be at church even though seeing Seth hurt. I don't really know why it hurt, but it did. I just felt so empty on the inside. Physically hollow. It's weird though because I've still been my usual happy self even though the way this all went down sucked hardcore. I still feel like that poem. I guess I just wish we could talk or something. I don't know. Everything is so bizarre. He's like a living ghost or something.
You just have to let it go and live your life.
I feel like I'm on the edge of something, standing in-between two places trying to figure out which side I want to be on. Everyone keeps saying I'm wearing rose colored glasses, maybe I am. I don't really know why people would want me to take them off. I guess it's because optimism is a two edged blade. It'll either cut through all the crap or it'll stick you good and hard. You just have to be ready for that. I've got my armor on nice and tight.
But I think we need to assume the best in everyone, in everything. I don't know. I wish I could fix things but it's no longer my place. I wish relationships didn't end in explosions where both sides are left wondering what the hell happened, neither party talking to the other. I don't know. I just think silence is impossible.
But I'm in a really really good place right now. I'm so glad I went to church. I just felt so at home and at peace there. It hurt though, going home to my house. I just wanted to have an open conversation with my mom about how I felt but my dad made it impossible. He said me going to church was stupid.
It hurt so so so much.
I just wish people could understand that life goes beyond our own sorrows.
That's why I've kept going. It's not about him or me or us. It's a God thing.
But he went on and on about how it's stupid to intentionally go somewhere where you'd see a person you loved so much. I think it's stupid to quit something just because of awkward hurts. I mean really. Plus, if you can't even face the hurt then I doubt that you're really dealing with it.
Running away is just stupid. Cowardly.
I'm tired of being judged on what I do or don't do.
I'm tired of people arguing with my heart.
I'm so much stronger than anyone ever thought. And yes I cried and yes I'll probably do it again, but why do tears mean weakness. What's so wrong with professing the song your heart is singing? True strength is facing what you feel, not turning your back to it.
The end.
7:51 AM
Posted In
Destruction
,
Faith
,
God
,
Hurt
,
life
,
Love
,
Storm
Edit This
I'm feeling more and more like I'm lost in between the lines of a poem searching for the next word to step on.I wanted you to be ok, but you looked like a hurricane, looked like you felt like a hurricane. And I couldn't do anything locked up in my basement, waiting for the storm to pass. I imagine no one will know what to do when it's over.
Sometimes you have to tear down the world so you can recreate it.
Sometimes out of devastating destruction the most beautiful things are born.
It takes rough waters to make the smoothest stones.
I finally realized that all you were doing was your best. Trying to find some wood to cling to. Trying to stay afloat. I hope you found that life raft. I pray it's coming soon if it isn't there yet. And I never realized how much I wished I could have carried your burden. "Open your eyes look at me / I'll bring to you whatever you need / And I'll tell you I'm sorry / That I can't take this pain away from you / And I'd put it on my own body if I knew how to..." - Copeland "Testing The Strong Ones"
I want you to be better. I want you to be ok and to know that even if you're not ok that you're going to be ok. I want you to know I love you but I'm doing fine on my own. I want you to know that everything will work out and that you are strong. I want you to know that in the end, I will always always be your friend.XO
4:45 AM
Posted In
beautiful
,
Beginnings
,
Faith
,
Future
,
God
,
Golden
,
life
,
Love
,
moving forward
Edit This
You know it's strange, for so long I wanted my life to make sense and then I realized that if everything made sense Faith would have no value. I'm still learning. I think everything happens for a reason. And it's ok if you don't understand why things happen at face value, but I think you should be able to look back on life and realize what it is you took out of a decision you made or one that was made for you. Constant reflection is the first step on the path to self improvement, to really seeing God.
I pulled God up on the telephone while on the freeway in-between points A and B. Suddenly everything just made sense in the fact that it didn't. It made sense because talking with God, I realized how at peace I was and how breaking up was such an incredibly freeing experience. I am free. I realized so many powerful things that it doesn't matter (nor did it ever) if there were ulterior motives behind the decision.
It's not that it doesn't still hurt, it does a little. But not because I want to get back together. I think the only reason it hurts sometimes is because I thought I knew a person. I thought I understood him. And maybe I still do, I'm not sure. It's hard to tell. There are some things you will never know about anyone because as close as you get to being able to read each other's thoughts, you can never know them. Everything exists solely on a faith of some sort.
It hurts because I felt like it could have been done with so much more class, so much more honesty. I don't think breaking up is ever easy, but I think because of that it has to be done with grace. I don't think this was graceful. And that's ok you know, I'm not angry. In fact, I'd still like to be friends. I'm not really sure why. I don't think relationships are something that should just be tossed aside. I don't think kicking someone out of your life after having been with them for so long is healthy. I don't know. I'm fine with being friends, but at the same time I know he doesn't think so.
It's strange how much you learn about people by removing yourself from them and just watching their actions unfold. What we don't do is equally as important as what we do. Inaction speaks as loud as action, sometimes even more so. In the end, all I feel is sadness for him. Maybe that isn't what I should be feeling. Maybe I should be feeling happy for him. Or maybe I shouldn't be feeling anything at all. I'm not really sure. I'm not one to deny my emotions or run away from a problem.
What I realized during that conversation with God was that I had been trying to solve his problems when they were never mine to solve. I realized that all this time I thought I needed him, but I never did. I never did at all. And it wasn't even that I didn't know that at the time, I did, it just came so clearly now that he was gone. I thought I needed someone else's love to prove my worth but I don't need to prove anything. I have God's love and to say that I needed more, that God's love wasn't enough just seemed so selfish.
And I've been realizing how selfish I am and it makes me sick. I want to change. I don't know where to begin, but I'm beginning by doing less thinking of myself and more thinking of others. Being selfless isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. That's my goal.
My other goal is to be less judgemental. I can be pretty shallow sometimes and looking back at my relationship with Seth, there were definitely points where I was really shallow and selfish. I'm sad that I ever acted that way, but I know that if I can look back and recognize what I was doing then I'm taking a step forward in the right direction.
I want to love everyone. I want to love people for being people, not for the way they look or talk or act. Love is not a commodity. It isn't conditional. You don't get love for doing good instead of bad. Love is, by definition, unconditional. I was reading Blue Like Jazz and it said that one of the miracles of the Bible was that Jesus never played favorites. He loved everyone and he loved them equally. I think that's a really beautiful thing.
We should love everyone because we are all beautiful. We are all filled with something greater than our selves. I want to move forward and learn in Faith. I want to love people because love is beautiful and turns this black and white world into a world full of color. And when you start to think about Jesus and what he did and how he did it, how could he not be God? Maybe that's a shocking statement to you. I don't really know.
It makes me so terribly broken hearted though, how many atrocities have been committed in His name. People molding faith to fit their wants instead of letting their faith mold them. If we just let go of ourselves, wouldn't that be a very beautiful thing?
I love you, whoever you are.
5:41 PM
Posted In
Faith
,
Future
,
God
,
Golden
,
life
Edit This
Rejection #2.
(Or three if you want to be real technical.)
It's strange but the more punches you get thrown the more you learn how to take. Even though it sucked getting those "we regret to inform you..." letters, I'm not sad. I mean it hurt but I just shook it off and kept my head held high.
I know that my life is taken care of. If I trust in myself, if I work hard and thoroughly, and if I put my faith in God then everything will be ok. You can't tear me down, because I'm just gonna keep crawling to the top. You can't keep me down, because the future is just going to keep coming and I'm going to keep grabbing at it, taking gigantic pieces of it to sit on my plate and swallow down hole.
You can't keep me down because I am happy and have decided to be happy and to always be happy. I've glued the light switch on. There's no shutting me off, no shutting me up. I'm gonna makedamnsure this little light of mine shines bright enough to see the glorious future waiting down the road.
It's amazing, the power of the human spirit.
You can't keep me from success.
You can't make me miserable.
- xoxo
