Listen Up!

4:59 AM Posted In , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »

Stop reading and start writing.
Start praying and stop fighting.

Go write your own Bible.
Because it's not enough to read,
you have to listen too.
To the divine spark dwelling inside of you.
Remember, you are a temple that houses God
So take off the facade
that would make you believe
you're worth any thing less.
Look at yourself! you're gorgeous!
The most Holy of Holies
How could you ever declare
That beauty unworthy

Love Covers All Things

9:39 AM Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Running on sideways thoughts. They take you on an incredible journey around the bend, unfortunately you never really end up that much further off than where you started.

I've been pouring through pages highlighting phrases that make me heart think, make my head sink. Sometimes the best ideas are the ones you slowly figure out, unsure if they're right or wrong or neither. The best ones have no answer and just force you to try on another pair of shoes. See the world from a whole different point of view.

O me! What fray was here?
Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all.
Here's much to do with hate, but more with love.
Why, then, O brawling love! O loving hate!
O any thing, of nothing first create!
O heavy lightness! serious vanity!
Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms!
Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health!
Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!
This love feel I, that feel no love in this.
Romeo and Juliet I.i173-182

And it wasn't this that spurred on my thoughts rather just expressed them. And it isn't a revolutionary thought, in fact it's been stated pretty much since...well the beginning.

What if love is the cause of everything. What if love is "the root of the root and the bud of the bud / and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows / higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide..." (E.E. Cummings)

What if love had not opposite? Maybe hate, is not the opposite of love, so much as it is the absence of love. This is where the problem in my arithmetic begins to confuse me.

Hate isn't even so much an absence of love so much as it is too much love being applied to one thing, typically oneself. Love of self tends to overshadow our lives. It's not that we don't love other people we just tend to put ourselves first. Maybe fear is a more appropriate opposite to love than hate, although I don't think it is love's opposite so much as a roadblock. In perfect love, there are no such things as rankings. The question is, what does perfect love look like?

And honestly, I think this does it the best:

Perfect love is patient, perfect love is kind. Perfect love does not envy, perfect love does not boast, perfect love is not proud.
Perfect love is not rude, perfect love is not self-seeking, perfect love is not easily angered, perfect love keeps no record of wrongs.
Perfect love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Perfect love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Perfect love never fails.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I find the whole idea of everything being born from Love somewhat comforting, somewhat terrifying.
And God is synonymous with Love. Throws another whole wrench in the system.
The scary thing is if you read about Jesus's works, he pretty much fits that bill.
Granted Corinthians was written after him, but regardless.

The whole God issue is a little too big for me to wrap my mind around.

I don't know. I walked myself in circles and spun myself a bit too much on this one. I think I even lost myself. I've got question marks floating throw my head like balloons at a birthday party. I'll keep thinking on this. Although I think this works better as a discussion outside of my head then in it.

In the end, I just want to love people, all of us.

Love is not a commodity. It is the only resource which is infinite. So why hold back?

XO

You Are The World

6:31 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
All of those faces
And you are one of them
(And still you are them all)

Times come and past
These too are you
So many pairs of eyes
Looking and seeing and being seen
And you are those too
(One pair and in one all)

Sounds and places

The blue hue of the sky
The way night sets on fast,
The brief glow of a firefly
The violence of a hurricane
And the alarming quickness of fire
These too are you.

The view from a mountaintop,
The course a stream takes,
The yellowing of leaves in fall,

All of this is you
And is in you.

The breath in your lungs
The dirt under your fingernails

This is you;
you are the world.

Play Crack The Sky

7:51 AM Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I'm feeling more and more like I'm lost in between the lines of a poem searching for the next word to step on.

I wanted you to be ok, but you looked like a hurricane, looked like you felt like a hurricane. And I couldn't do anything locked up in my basement, waiting for the storm to pass. I imagine no one will know what to do when it's over.

Sometimes you have to tear down the world so you can recreate it.
Sometimes out of devastating destruction the most beautiful things are born.
It takes rough waters to make the smoothest stones.

I finally realized that all you were doing was your best. Trying to find some wood to cling to. Trying to stay afloat. I hope you found that life raft. I pray it's coming soon if it isn't there yet. And I never realized how much I wished I could have carried your burden.

"Open your eyes look at me / I'll bring to you whatever you need / And I'll tell you I'm sorry / That I can't take this pain away from you / And I'd put it on my own body if I knew how to..." - Copeland "Testing The Strong Ones"

I want you to be better. I want you to be ok and to know that even if you're not ok that you're going to be ok. I want you to know I love you but I'm doing fine on my own. I want you to know that everything will work out and that you are strong. I want you to know that in the end, I will always always be your friend.

XO

Intrinsic Reflection on My Life and It's Sections...

4:45 AM Posted In , , , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
You know it's strange, for so long I wanted my life to make sense and then I realized that if everything made sense Faith would have no value. I'm still learning. I think everything happens for a reason. And it's ok if you don't understand why things happen at face value, but I think you should be able to look back on life and realize what it is you took out of a decision you made or one that was made for you. Constant reflection is the first step on the path to self improvement, to really seeing God.

I pulled God up on the telephone while on the freeway in-between points A and B. Suddenly everything just made sense in the fact that it didn't. It made sense because talking with God, I realized how at peace I was and how breaking up was such an incredibly freeing experience. I am free. I realized so many powerful things that it doesn't matter (nor did it ever) if there were ulterior motives behind the decision.

It's not that it doesn't still hurt, it does a little. But not because I want to get back together. I think the only reason it hurts sometimes is because I thought I knew a person. I thought I understood him. And maybe I still do, I'm not sure. It's hard to tell. There are some things you will never know about anyone because as close as you get to being able to read each other's thoughts, you can never know them. Everything exists solely on a faith of some sort.

It hurts because I felt like it could have been done with so much more class, so much more honesty. I don't think breaking up is ever easy, but I think because of that it has to be done with grace. I don't think this was graceful. And that's ok you know, I'm not angry. In fact, I'd still like to be friends. I'm not really sure why. I don't think relationships are something that should just be tossed aside. I don't think kicking someone out of your life after having been with them for so long is healthy. I don't know. I'm fine with being friends, but at the same time I know he doesn't think so.

It's strange how much you learn about people by removing yourself from them and just watching their actions unfold. What we don't do is equally as important as what we do. Inaction speaks as loud as action, sometimes even more so. In the end, all I feel is sadness for him. Maybe that isn't what I should be feeling. Maybe I should be feeling happy for him. Or maybe I shouldn't be feeling anything at all. I'm not really sure. I'm not one to deny my emotions or run away from a problem.

What I realized during that conversation with God was that I had been trying to solve his problems when they were never mine to solve. I realized that all this time I thought I needed him, but I never did. I never did at all. And it wasn't even that I didn't know that at the time, I did, it just came so clearly now that he was gone. I thought I needed someone else's love to prove my worth but I don't need to prove anything. I have God's love and to say that I needed more, that God's love wasn't enough just seemed so selfish.

And I've been realizing how selfish I am and it makes me sick. I want to change. I don't know where to begin, but I'm beginning by doing less thinking of myself and more thinking of others. Being selfless isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. That's my goal.

My other goal is to be less judgemental. I can be pretty shallow sometimes and looking back at my relationship with Seth, there were definitely points where I was really shallow and selfish. I'm sad that I ever acted that way, but I know that if I can look back and recognize what I was doing then I'm taking a step forward in the right direction.

I want to love everyone. I want to love people for being people, not for the way they look or talk or act. Love is not a commodity. It isn't conditional. You don't get love for doing good instead of bad. Love is, by definition, unconditional. I was reading Blue Like Jazz and it said that one of the miracles of the Bible was that Jesus never played favorites. He loved everyone and he loved them equally. I think that's a really beautiful thing.

We should love everyone because we are all beautiful. We are all filled with something greater than our selves. I want to move forward and learn in Faith. I want to love people because love is beautiful and turns this black and white world into a world full of color. And when you start to think about Jesus and what he did and how he did it, how could he not be God? Maybe that's a shocking statement to you. I don't really know.

It makes me so terribly broken hearted though, how many atrocities have been committed in His name. People molding faith to fit their wants instead of letting their faith mold them. If we just let go of ourselves, wouldn't that be a very beautiful thing?

I love you, whoever you are.

Makedamnsure

5:41 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Rejection #2.
(Or three if you want to be real technical.)

It's strange but the more punches you get thrown the more you learn how to take. Even though it sucked getting those "we regret to inform you..." letters, I'm not sad. I mean it hurt but I just shook it off and kept my head held high.

I know that my life is taken care of. If I trust in myself, if I work hard and thoroughly, and if I put my faith in God then everything will be ok. You can't tear me down, because I'm just gonna keep crawling to the top. You can't keep me down, because the future is just going to keep coming and I'm going to keep grabbing at it, taking gigantic pieces of it to sit on my plate and swallow down hole.

You can't keep me down because I am happy and have decided to be happy and to always be happy. I've glued the light switch on. There's no shutting me off, no shutting me up. I'm gonna makedamnsure this little light of mine shines bright enough to see the glorious future waiting down the road.

It's amazing, the power of the human spirit.
You can't keep me from success.
You can't make me miserable.

- xoxo

Somewhere Between Unsure And A Hundred

7:27 AM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »

And right now I feel my whole world could be boiled down onto a track list and burned into your ears. It's nice knowing you're never alone. There's always some sweet smooth song slipping through the air saying that someone else has been there, done that. What this is, where it's going, I don't really know.


It's strange how you get so comfortable and so sure of certain things, you forget that they can disappear. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. Disolved into motion. Too many big decisions need to be made.

I guess all you can really do is trust your heart because if you can't trust yourself and God (who's in your heart), then who can you trust?

The roadtrip is only beginning...

That You Could Be Well Oh That Strong

9:18 PM Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
For the first time I saw I deer in my backyard. I walked out onto my porch feeling a little sad, regretting a decision I'd made. And the deer just ran into my backyard, stopped, and looked at me. It's strange but right then I knew that no matter what, everything would be alright. Life is beautiful. We need a bump or two in the road every now and then because it makes us stop and see the world. Everything is just so startlingly beautiful.

I know this has all been hard, but I'm glad it happened. I never realized how strong I was. I know I broke down, I know I called, and I know I may do it all again, but I'm ok and will continue to be ok. If this is the end then what a great run we had. If this is the end and we had such a beautiful run then just imagine what the future has in store for me and for him. If this isn't the end then imagine how much better the future will be.

The deer ran into my yard and just looked at me and I knew everything was ok and was going to be ok and would always be ok. I don't really know how I knew that, but I guess that's what faith is. It's like I know that no matter what happens everything will be ok.

Life can throw me all the punches it wants. I'm a prize fighter. I'll walk away with the trophy.
Losing all hope isn't freedom. Having hope in all possibilities is.

There are no endings, just new beginnings.

xo.

3:08 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
For we walk by Faith, not by sight.
[ And I will walk with both eyes closed just to prove a point. ]
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