Intrinsic Reflection on My Life and It's Sections...
4:45 AM Posted In beautiful , Beginnings , Faith , Future , God , Golden , life , Love , moving forward Edit This 0 Comments »
You know it's strange, for so long I wanted my life to make sense and then I realized that if everything made sense Faith would have no value. I'm still learning. I think everything happens for a reason. And it's ok if you don't understand why things happen at face value, but I think you should be able to look back on life and realize what it is you took out of a decision you made or one that was made for you. Constant reflection is the first step on the path to self improvement, to really seeing God.
I pulled God up on the telephone while on the freeway in-between points A and B. Suddenly everything just made sense in the fact that it didn't. It made sense because talking with God, I realized how at peace I was and how breaking up was such an incredibly freeing experience. I am free. I realized so many powerful things that it doesn't matter (nor did it ever) if there were ulterior motives behind the decision.
It's not that it doesn't still hurt, it does a little. But not because I want to get back together. I think the only reason it hurts sometimes is because I thought I knew a person. I thought I understood him. And maybe I still do, I'm not sure. It's hard to tell. There are some things you will never know about anyone because as close as you get to being able to read each other's thoughts, you can never know them. Everything exists solely on a faith of some sort.
It hurts because I felt like it could have been done with so much more class, so much more honesty. I don't think breaking up is ever easy, but I think because of that it has to be done with grace. I don't think this was graceful. And that's ok you know, I'm not angry. In fact, I'd still like to be friends. I'm not really sure why. I don't think relationships are something that should just be tossed aside. I don't think kicking someone out of your life after having been with them for so long is healthy. I don't know. I'm fine with being friends, but at the same time I know he doesn't think so.
It's strange how much you learn about people by removing yourself from them and just watching their actions unfold. What we don't do is equally as important as what we do. Inaction speaks as loud as action, sometimes even more so. In the end, all I feel is sadness for him. Maybe that isn't what I should be feeling. Maybe I should be feeling happy for him. Or maybe I shouldn't be feeling anything at all. I'm not really sure. I'm not one to deny my emotions or run away from a problem.
What I realized during that conversation with God was that I had been trying to solve his problems when they were never mine to solve. I realized that all this time I thought I needed him, but I never did. I never did at all. And it wasn't even that I didn't know that at the time, I did, it just came so clearly now that he was gone. I thought I needed someone else's love to prove my worth but I don't need to prove anything. I have God's love and to say that I needed more, that God's love wasn't enough just seemed so selfish.
And I've been realizing how selfish I am and it makes me sick. I want to change. I don't know where to begin, but I'm beginning by doing less thinking of myself and more thinking of others. Being selfless isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. That's my goal.
My other goal is to be less judgemental. I can be pretty shallow sometimes and looking back at my relationship with Seth, there were definitely points where I was really shallow and selfish. I'm sad that I ever acted that way, but I know that if I can look back and recognize what I was doing then I'm taking a step forward in the right direction.
I want to love everyone. I want to love people for being people, not for the way they look or talk or act. Love is not a commodity. It isn't conditional. You don't get love for doing good instead of bad. Love is, by definition, unconditional. I was reading Blue Like Jazz and it said that one of the miracles of the Bible was that Jesus never played favorites. He loved everyone and he loved them equally. I think that's a really beautiful thing.
We should love everyone because we are all beautiful. We are all filled with something greater than our selves. I want to move forward and learn in Faith. I want to love people because love is beautiful and turns this black and white world into a world full of color. And when you start to think about Jesus and what he did and how he did it, how could he not be God? Maybe that's a shocking statement to you. I don't really know.
It makes me so terribly broken hearted though, how many atrocities have been committed in His name. People molding faith to fit their wants instead of letting their faith mold them. If we just let go of ourselves, wouldn't that be a very beautiful thing?
I love you, whoever you are.
I pulled God up on the telephone while on the freeway in-between points A and B. Suddenly everything just made sense in the fact that it didn't. It made sense because talking with God, I realized how at peace I was and how breaking up was such an incredibly freeing experience. I am free. I realized so many powerful things that it doesn't matter (nor did it ever) if there were ulterior motives behind the decision.
It's not that it doesn't still hurt, it does a little. But not because I want to get back together. I think the only reason it hurts sometimes is because I thought I knew a person. I thought I understood him. And maybe I still do, I'm not sure. It's hard to tell. There are some things you will never know about anyone because as close as you get to being able to read each other's thoughts, you can never know them. Everything exists solely on a faith of some sort.
It hurts because I felt like it could have been done with so much more class, so much more honesty. I don't think breaking up is ever easy, but I think because of that it has to be done with grace. I don't think this was graceful. And that's ok you know, I'm not angry. In fact, I'd still like to be friends. I'm not really sure why. I don't think relationships are something that should just be tossed aside. I don't think kicking someone out of your life after having been with them for so long is healthy. I don't know. I'm fine with being friends, but at the same time I know he doesn't think so.
It's strange how much you learn about people by removing yourself from them and just watching their actions unfold. What we don't do is equally as important as what we do. Inaction speaks as loud as action, sometimes even more so. In the end, all I feel is sadness for him. Maybe that isn't what I should be feeling. Maybe I should be feeling happy for him. Or maybe I shouldn't be feeling anything at all. I'm not really sure. I'm not one to deny my emotions or run away from a problem.
What I realized during that conversation with God was that I had been trying to solve his problems when they were never mine to solve. I realized that all this time I thought I needed him, but I never did. I never did at all. And it wasn't even that I didn't know that at the time, I did, it just came so clearly now that he was gone. I thought I needed someone else's love to prove my worth but I don't need to prove anything. I have God's love and to say that I needed more, that God's love wasn't enough just seemed so selfish.
And I've been realizing how selfish I am and it makes me sick. I want to change. I don't know where to begin, but I'm beginning by doing less thinking of myself and more thinking of others. Being selfless isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. That's my goal.
My other goal is to be less judgemental. I can be pretty shallow sometimes and looking back at my relationship with Seth, there were definitely points where I was really shallow and selfish. I'm sad that I ever acted that way, but I know that if I can look back and recognize what I was doing then I'm taking a step forward in the right direction.
I want to love everyone. I want to love people for being people, not for the way they look or talk or act. Love is not a commodity. It isn't conditional. You don't get love for doing good instead of bad. Love is, by definition, unconditional. I was reading Blue Like Jazz and it said that one of the miracles of the Bible was that Jesus never played favorites. He loved everyone and he loved them equally. I think that's a really beautiful thing.
We should love everyone because we are all beautiful. We are all filled with something greater than our selves. I want to move forward and learn in Faith. I want to love people because love is beautiful and turns this black and white world into a world full of color. And when you start to think about Jesus and what he did and how he did it, how could he not be God? Maybe that's a shocking statement to you. I don't really know.
It makes me so terribly broken hearted though, how many atrocities have been committed in His name. People molding faith to fit their wants instead of letting their faith mold them. If we just let go of ourselves, wouldn't that be a very beautiful thing?
I love you, whoever you are.
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