Always Yesterday, Always Tomorow

9:57 AM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I don't have nightmares where you haunt me,
but I do have dreams where your friends
stop in and say "hello, 
how are you, how's it going."
Makes me wake up and wonder how they're doing.
Your face comes in, goes out -- but it cannot stay.

We forget the ones that hurt us most.
We block out all good they did
And all the kind words they used to say.

9:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
I changed the layout.
Go me.

Lover, Non-Lover

7:54 AM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »

That night, when I pretended

To be a asleep, I knew it meant

The end of us.


I meant for it to be cute

But it was a nightmare.


I talked to you,

Told you I loved you

And you told me to drown myself,

Fuck off and die.


You were supposed to love me.

You were supposed to protect me.

Strange but you were always the one

I needed the protection from.


You were always the one trying to hurt me.

A Year Under the Microscope

7:45 AM Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »

I don’t know if I miss you.

You tried to kill me, twice.

You knew school shooting statistics

The way I knew Shakespeare.


After Virginia Tech you

Declared I was your

Number one victim,

Your dream kill.


An entire year and

I wonder why I couldn’t leave

Or worse why you stopped loving me

And not the other way around.


You simply stopped calling

Didn’t give me a reason

For the harsh goodbye

And told me to fuck off.


You tried to kill me.

I tried to save you.

And the worst part,

I still don’t know who succeeded.

Bizarre.

9:23 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
The thing you want most always happen at the least likely time.

Found the journal but now I have so much taping in to do that it's become a full day project. Oh well. It's not like I'm up for anything else. I wonder if when I'm all old and dead if anyone will ever read it.

Guess I'll have to just wait and see.

Stop

7:59 AM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
In and out
In and out
It's what a dog is all about
He can't decide
He's filled with doubt
So first he goes in
And then he goes out.

Just some reminiscing for you.

For the first time in a long while, I feel somewhat ok. Not I-think-I-might-pass-out ok, but the wow-I-am-just-a-little-tired ok. Who knows. Sometimes you fall onto a path and you walk it so long the footsteps become mechanical. I've gotten so used to feeling sick these last few days. The hospital count ended at 5. The fever ended at 103.4. The headache ends whenever I pop pills and gulp swills of water.

It's raining outside, but there's a fire burning in here.

A Fever You Can't Sweat Out.

8:14 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
[ Wake Up ]

The weather these days is too warm.
The high yesterday was:103.2
The low was: 99.8

I am thinking in snow but all my thoughts keep melting before they have a place to even land.
Today's high is 100:2
Today's low is 97.1

Right now I'm swimming inside myself. Literally.

I was writing something beautiful in my head last night on fever-shot thoughts, but now I can't remember it for the life of me. I was thinking anything to try and make me sleep. I wandered through the dog-yard and pulled up names wishing one of them would come in and jump up on my bed.

Oh how badly I wanted to be home. Oh how badly I wanted to feel anything but sick and alone.

And right now, all I've been thinking is how little this school cares for me. I called campus security because I really thought I belonged in the hospital and they said no, they wouldn't give me a ride to the hospital unless the hospital gave them permission. I called the hospital and they said "what are you talking about. We don't have time to make those kinds of phonecalls." I didn't know what to do so I just started crying and then I couldn't stop crying. Eventually exhaustion overtook.

I have a final in twenty minutes in Japanese but I can barely think in English. I didn't write my paper that's due today either. But regardless, I think I am still smiling. I think I am still happy.

I feel guilty about all that's been left undone. Right now I just want someone to bring me some flowers and a getwell card. I almost feel as sick as that time right after surgery. But now I don't have an entourage of people to come say "get well! we miss you!"

No Kerri, Johnny, Noobs and Ben to say hey girl, you still look beautiful.

I miss that.

But I've made new friends who've taken good care of me, even if they can't be by my side.

[ Pass Out ]

The Novels I Am Writing.

8:24 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Just so I remember in the morning. Anyways these are some thoughts for me to me but some first paragraph excerpts from stuff I'm sort of working on / on the back burner...

.Through The River.
The first 5 chapters of Through the River are absolutely hysterical. You lose it after that. Go back, rethink, rework, rewrite. What ever happened to the rabbit that started this all. Tacura Yellpin III. That's 150 pages too many to lose. Get rid of the love aspects or at least make them way way way more subtle. Rework the yellow-girl. Actually evil people are over-rated.

Give me a fairy tale with a multi-dimensional villain. That would be out and out revolutionary. Better yet, give me a fairy-tale where the boys need saving. That would be feminist. Better yet, give me a fairy-tale that doesn't start with Once Upon A Time. That would be a miracle. Better yet, give me a fairy-tale that doesn't end Happily-Ever-After. That would be shocking. Better yet, give me a fairy-tale where someone walks away unhappy. That would be realistic. Better yet, give me a fairy-tale where everything isn't neatly resolved at the end works out in the end. That would be life-like.

Oh wait. Isn't that what you've already done. Genius.
Go back to your old voice. Go back to Kate, the little girl. Why should she have to grow up?
Kate had fallen through the river. Not fallen into the river and was all wet, or anything as seemingly possible as that, but rather something much more absurd and ludicrous. You see, Kate had been running through the forest, fleeing her pursuers, and had tripped. The root over which she fell sent her careening several feet upon which she should have fallen into the river.

.The Shortcut to the Northwind.
Oh dear. What ever happened to Hazel and Andrew. Space pilots of the best kind. What ever happened to the holes in the skies that you could fly yourself into if you knew the right angle. Second star to the right. Whatever happened to all the wars brewing. Whatever happened to Mikan. And the emo plot-line that was fun to write as a twelve year old and still fun to read as a nineteen year old. That's another 120 pages for you.
Some people say that stars are holes in Heaven’s floor. While others say that they’re balls of fire. Yet others still insist that they are people imprisoned within the sky waiting for an eternity to end. But stars are neither holes, nor fire, nor prisoners; they are the shortcut to the Northwind, and very few have ever traveled there.
.Rock.
Kali and William. It wasn't much of anything, but it's better than a blank page. So you don't know about the music industry or tourring or any of that stuff. The dialogue was pretty amusing. The laughter, definitely real. Television Script? That's at least 90 pages of pure dialogie. That's at least 5 episodes. Obviously, aimed at girls.

Kali: You called my house and talked to my mom?
William: I couldn’t just show up
Kali: You’re such a mama’s boy
William: You find it cute.
Kali: And charming.
William: Yes. I am Prince Charming.
Kali: No, Prince William.
William: That position is already taken by some guy in England
Kali: so is Prince Charming
William: By who?
Kali: that guy in Cinderella
William: that was his actual name? I always thought it was figurative
Kali: It was his name
William: Interesting.
Kali: I suppose you could share the position with him.
Kali: What is it?
William: I’m thinking up a proposition
Kali: which is?
William: I will be your Prince Charming, if you will be my Cinderella
Kali: I would love to if –
William: – if what?
Kali: If I can forgo that whole evil stepsister thing
William: I suppose we can arrange a deal. I am a prince after all.
Kali: doesn’t that make me a princess?
William: Not until we get married.
Kali: GROSS. NO WAY.

.?????.
And what about this new novel. This new character. The voice is so incredibily raw. Don't you want to put your ear to the stereo and see what he has to say? So when are you going to make some time to listen. Because it isn't every character that comes walking, talking out of your pen saying things like this one. It isn't every character that says, here I am, come meet me as you are. And it isn't every character you meet wandering out of your pen that declares things so unashamedly. And maybe he doesn't know where he's going, maybe he only knows where he's been. But he'll take you there if you have the time to listen. You may not know all of the story, but some of it's already reverberating in your heartsong so hurry up and listen before the next track starts playing. And it isn't every heart that can see the pain, but you can, so you'll listen. Cause someone out there needs this story.

I think that if someone were to kill me, I wouldn’t hate them. It’s not that I want to die - that’s not it at all. I’m quite happy being alive. What I mean is I wouldn’t be sitting up there in Heaven going Hey God, come on now, how about striking him down already. I think I’d be doing the opposite, you know? Like asking God to forgive the guy and asking Him to help the guy find his way in life. Maybe I could even be this person’s guardian angel. Maybe he killed me just so someone in the afterlife would care about him, even if he thought it’d be in a negative way. You know it’s funny, I keep thinking he and keeping writing he but what if it’s a her? What if a she kills me? And what if we could have all just been friends?

.Enchantment Reawakened.
And then your favorites. Where are Elairah and Rynn? You haven't seen much of them. Enchantment Reawakened. Where are West and Anders? So what, the ending of the script got rushed and should have lasted another fifty pages, but it was never a movie script to begin with. When are you going to take the time to flesh out the faces that you've come to love and turn that into a novel. Because the story-line may have had a big gaping hole, but other than that it was really really solid. It was really really fun. Actual conversations.

[ teaser currently unavailable. ]

***
Anyways, let me know what you think of each. I don't know what's sad, the fact that all except one have over 90 pages of work put into them or the fact that this isn't all I've written.

Anyways.
Sleep on it.

Please post some comments.

Flight

8:06 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Start Running

It starts with a simple statement: the truth and then it grows and spreads like the seeds of trees and soon you're seeing it sprout up all over the place trying to be that little burst of color that catches your eye, or at least tries to.

Don't you know that the world is watching you. Doesn't the world know that your watching it. Everyone is just looking for the perfect moment to strike. Everyone is waiting for the gunshot. The best possible time to go. Take the lead. Run. Faster. Faster Faster Faster.

I'm running off of a migraine. My fingers are merely expressing that which they know. Not expressing just digesting the air that's in me that makes up these hollow words/worlds.

I am creating beauty. I am taming the beast.

And don't ask me what any of this means in the morning because after a certain point my brain shuts down and I run on auto-mode. I keep chewing on the same ideas. I don't know how much more I can suck out of them.

Lets just go fly a kite.
Now Take Off.

ちょっと

3:18 AM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
there is snow on the ground and little footprints running across the tenders of my heart. And it's strange, but for the moment, this is the only place I'd really like to be. Right now, I think I am more than a little confused.

Where to go, where not to go. What to do, what not to do.
So much time. So few viable options.

So I'm just gonna say, bring it on. Because right now, i'm ok with living 100% in the future.

I don't really know what it is I want anymore.
I don't really know what it is I'm dreaming up.

ごめんあさい。
私はちょっと寝てください。
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