7:34 AM
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These days, my biggest fear is a phone call that says the world is over. You know, it'll ring twice, I'll answer and that'll be the end. Static. Silence. The great quiet before the final monumentous outcry. Dead.
That's what they'll say and I won't know what to do. What happens when your home vanishes? What do you do? The odds have been stacked up the other way for far too long. When are the long-shots going to start going in? When are the dreams you want going to come together?
Why does everything fall through when you need it most? What good are plans when you're the only one keeping them? I don't understand why life isn't fair. Why the roll of the dice can destroy a life-long dream. I'm tired of life trying to drown you. What good is a lifejacket in a hurricane?
I don't understand. I just wanted things to work out. For them to go your way for a change. Why is life so hard right now for you? How can we make it better?
I just wanted you to be happy and for your dreams to come true.
I'm so sorry that someone had to go and shatter them.
What good are questions, when no one ever gives you answer?
But you can't give up.
Even if no one's listening, still ask.
We'll pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together.
We'll make life whole again.
8:58 AM
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Keep me in your front pocket, close to your heart, in the sun.
Today is out and out lovely. The days are building up like dominoes. Soon I'm going to knock them down so you can see the magic. This life of mine is brilliant. I hope your dazzling off on your own. I hope you're shining like a star.
It's strange to me, how much a year can change a person. Or how much a person can change a year. You know what I mean. I hope you do at least. And to think it all just keeps growing and getting better. I'm amazed.
And all those foggy-goggle thoughts are transforming into flesh.
Fuck what everyone says. I'm going to change the world.
Take your cameras along folks.
This is going to be one interesting ride.
-xo.
10:42 AM
Posted In
Cactus
,
Family
,
Harold
,
Music
,
Pictures
,
Thorns
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Somedays all you need is a steady stream of music soaring through the sky to send you skipping. Today is one of those days. It's 12:42 and I'm wondering where everyone is. The high speed scene is flying past again and I'm stuck on the ground watching it go by. Glorious.And you know there are questions you'll never know the answer to until you have the courage to answer them with your heart. Honesty can be so refreshing, so brutal.
Anyways, I think Harold is dying again. I can't really tell anymore. He's always turning brown then white then brown againl. Maybe I should water him. I have watered him since January...but he's a cactus.
I've never put a picture on my blog before. Congrats Harold. You're a first. This picture was taken awhile ago. In the back are his brothers. Got myself a little cactus family. At least they keep all their thorns on the outside so you know what you're getting yourself into.
Ummm. I really enjoyed posting that picture. You can expect more where that came from.
5:44 PM
Posted In
Confusion
,
Love
,
Music
,
Perfection
,
Telephone
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Somedays I think about things and I don't know what to do. Like those times you're doing a crossword puzzle and you can only get so far. I don't know. Maybe life's like that. Got you on the telephone line and got so damn confused. Somedays you feel like all you have are answers, others just questions. Today was one of those question-days. Why? Why? Why?I feel like one of those old-school am/fm radios where every touch either brings you either closer to perfection or closer into the unknown. I'm drifting into static."I am slipping through,
I am slipping through
I am slipping into the airwaves
The static's where you'll find me..."
- Jack's Mannequin
I don't know. Somedays are so bizarre and its strange because as far apart as we get sometimes, the closer I realize we are. I don't know. I just wish everything would be ok and, I don't know, that maybe we would realize that sometimes we're both insentive and stupid.It's crazy, but my head's still spinning.I hope this ride never ends.XO
4:44 PM
Posted In
disappointment
,
life
,
people
,
poetry
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He called me on the phone, out of the blue,
(A sudden after-thought I’m sure)
He was gone, tired (or so I thought)
And then a silence fell: static
The deadline, the flat line
"Quick Nurse, call the doctor!"
"Quick Nurse, I think he’s gone."
(The chaos makes their fast dance faster,
Slower now watch out for the—)
"I’m high," he tell me flat, gone, nonchalant
Like the awkward wave you give a stranger or
The store owner who thinks you’re only there for trouble.
It catches me, his voice, his laughter
And reels me in, and somehow I feel duped,
The naive fish that took the worm,
But it isn’t even a struggle:
"You’re high"
"Yes, I forgot I had some."
"But –"
"It was there, in my sock drawer.2.5 grams, gone, rolled, and in me."
But it’s a Wednesday night and
We have school in the morning.
The pause.
I’m sorry and hurt and sad
And I don’t really understand.
"I have to go" he says.
I’m not really surprised.
The line goes dead (there’s no good-bye)
"Doctor, come quick!"
The flash of footsteps the door swings wide:
"Clear!" he waits and then again "Clear!"
Silence, nothingness, seconds, moments minutes
(Wash, rinse, repeat – it’s so commercialized now
So commercial and oh so sterile.)
"I’m sorry Miss, we’ve lost him."
12:40 AM
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We chop by religion
Cut by ethnicity
Endless division
Brown-eyes are outed
Cripples ignored
Asians, blacks, hispanics
all lumped together and tossed asied
White supremacy reigns
Divide! Divide! Divide!
Until there are only
Rich white men wearing
Suits and corporate labels.
10:53 PM
Posted In
Cirle
,
Future
,
Past
,
Possibility
,
Recycle
,
Reduce
,
Reuse
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The future scares me because the past can be made meaningless so easily. I've gone insomniac worrying that today will be erased by tomorrow. And the scariest thing is, as long as you think its possible it's true. But tomorrow builds upon today and what we think leaves, is always really with us...at least that's what I'm going to tell myself.
Cutting down the tall trees just allows the shorter ones to grow...Life is one big game of Reduce, Reuse, Recycle...
Everything is circle.
Ponder that, my friend.
-xo
7:41 PM
Posted In
Dreaming
,
Future
,
Golden
,
Optimism
,
Others
,
Peace
,
World
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Somedays you just want to scream and say I'm sorry, I didn't know. Or that if you could change things you would. I don't know. Somedays I just want to take the world in my arms and tell it that everything is going to work out and that we're all going to be ok. That things aren't as bad as they seem.
In fact my life is pretty much golden. Lots of fighting recently, but golden nonetheless. And it's funny because the less I'm in the picture the more like this life seems mine. It's not about me. haha. Who knew the biggest part in your life's story wouldn't be played by you? I suppose you're wondering who it's played by then and I have to say that I can't answer that. Not out of secrecy but for the pure and simple answer that I don't know. That if you live correctly the only answer you should give is that there isn't. It's for everyone.
Surprise, right? I know you're shocked. It's for some people more than others, but thats true for everyone. Don't live with the spotlight on you, the light messes up your vision and everything gets out of focus.
Don't you know?
Somedays I dream so big I think that this world could fit inside it.
I want to write another book. But my dreams are too ellusive to capture onto pages. I just want to take the pictures running through my brain and let them dangle in front of your eyes - you'd like what you'd see. I promise.
Currently Thinking: About A Boy
Currently Listening To: I'm Not Alright - Sanctus Real
Last Night's Dream: About an old friend
Current Regret: Leaving my journal at school, eating that seafood...gross.
Biggest Fear: Thinking it could end and how it almost did.
Looking Forward To: A letter waiting in a mailbox, snuggling, piercing my ears myself
Most Upset About: Writer's Block
Last Thing Bought: A dress to go out on the town in.
8:17 PM
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I'm thinking about spaceships
And how I'd like to get away --
Not runaway, not hide -- And
See the world from a viewpoint larger than my own
I'd peer at that blue orb, pretending
I was a god. (I would wear my glasses)
And from my port-hole window
I would watch the Earth in full Glory
Having the same thought I had at home
But somehow they'd seem bigger,
Somehow they would be more important.
Life and love and hunger.
You can't stop yourself from thinking
You can't stop yourself from dreaming
You can't stop
You can't'
You
Blast off!
6:04 AM
Posted In
Fighting
,
Love
,
Peace
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I just want to stop fighting. honest. I just want everyone to be happy. I just want you and everyone to not hurt anymore...and all I can think about is "How to Save A Life" and how anytime someone's hurting and I can't fix it, I cry. I don't want to live in a world where the ocean is sustained by rivers of tears.
