Belay On
This weekend seemed like a lot of stop and go. Red-light, Green-light. On again, then off again. In my head then very much out of it. The worst is when I try talking but my thoughts start running away from me. Get so caught up in wanting to sound smart or sound cool or sound anything but whatever it is that I am that I end up sounding like an idiot because I st-st-stutter or lose track of what I'm thinking.
The craziness ensues.
Words pumping through my headphones like oxygen. I'm intentionally flat lining my heart. I don't even know what that means. Words are pouring out of me before I can filter them. I'm just that kid that mutters non-sense. I'm just that kid I wish you knew. Sometimes you just gotta stop for a little while, sit down, and stare at the moon. ("It's me and the moon," she says.)
It'll all come together soon.
There's a rock that's sitting on my heart. It's kind of heavy and I don't really know how to shake it off. I'm not really good with ignoring emotions, but it isn't exactly expressible either. I want what I want, but I don't want what I want because people would get hurt.
Where does the balance lie. To whom do you owe allegiance. When do you put yourself first. When don't you. I think I'd rather hold onto this rock and keep it in my pocket then skip it across the water to see how far it goes. I was never one for skipping stones.
Sometimes, you have to hold on to the greatest ideas. Sometimes you have to close the book and save it for later. Sometimes you just have to put the pen down and quit writing lies. Sometimes you walk away with no intention of returning.
But sometimes, you can't let a thought go. Hope is a drug who's addiction is endless.
I don't know. I have such an inexplicable agenda floating through my head. Sometimes I look at my past and I wonder if all that really happened. Sometimes I look at my future and I wonder if all that will just be washed-rinsed-repeated. I'm not good with circular living.
On Belay
Just let me dance to the music playing in my head. Fuck stereos and cds. I got a rhythm to my life that''ll keep my dancing when the world outside is screaming in SILENCE. I am not one to backdown.
I'm writing in code again. Saying thoughts and feelings rather than actions and visions. Went up to the loj for the simple life. Just talking all night long. Snowboarding all day. Patriots game. Alum. Driving.
I am trying to figure out what the hell I want to do. Too many dreams are cooking in my head, too many things to be interested in. I guess all there is to do is reach towards the sky, and see where it takes you...
Climbing
