I Miss The Way You Sing Low...

8:32 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
I have the pokemon theme song stuck in my head again. Don't really have much else to say. I'm sitting here eating gummy bears.

I should be reading Dante's Inferno. I don't care what anyone else says. It is perhaps the single worst book I've ever read. So dry. Frankly reading it is hell. What a crappy piece of writing. You want a book about hell. Fine then, I'll give you a book about Hell. And it'll be better than your crappy Italian knock off. Those Italians. They can cook. They can build. They can farm. But they sure as hell can't write. It's apparent when you name such a crappy author the "founder" of your "language and literature." You guys should have stuck with Latin.

Haha. I don't even know what I'm saying.

The new Copeland CD (Eat, Sleep, Repeat) came out today. I hate how anticipation can kill something that is legitimately good. Expectations ruin everything. It's a good CD but Beneath the Medicine Tree was much better or at least much more dynamic.

Not to say Eat, Sleep, Repeat isn't. It has moments of brilliance. But overall there is a lack of unification between words and sounds. Or the sounds just blend together. The chorus and the verse are identical and you're stuck with an achromatic picture where lights and darks are used sparsely. Stuck inside the middle. Drowning in their indecision.

If you're going to write music make it melodic. No one likes monotony.

I still like it and by common standards it's quite good. Comparing it to their past work, however, it is a bit of a letdown...But it was too much...Shouldn't have expected another song like "California" or "Brightest." "Love Affair" comes close, but only because they add some horns.


Still. I like some of the lyrics in this one.
"I think I'm safer on an airplane
I think I'm safer in the sky up above
I think I'm safer on the jetway,
Than in a world without love. "
- Copeland
But they don't get much more complicated. Nothing to pull at your heartstrings. Nothing to make your brain think a little. They set the bar too high with Beneath the Medicine Tree because "Brightest" wow... What a brilliant piece of writing and then what they do with it. Perfect.


"Brightest"
If you find yourself here on my side of town
I'd pray that you'd come to my door
Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about
Cause I don't remember anymore
I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar
- Copeland

And not to mention "Coffee," "Testing the Strong Ones," and "California". This album just doesn't match up. The lyrics are trite at times, generic at others, and, on the occasion, brilliant. There isn't really any consistency either. They don't really create any unified pieces. "Love Affair" comes close.

I haven't listened to the last two songs. Itunes messed up. They have to figure stuff out before they send me the last two. Talk about lame.

So this turned into somewhat of a review.
Who cares.

"Live, live, live because you love, love, love"

Go out. Be merry. But watch your back.
It's halloween

Brought to You by the Letter "H"

11:07 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
I hate loving clothes.
I hate how much I spent.
I hate how all that cash could have (should have) gone to some sort of better cause.

But mostly I hate how much I love it.
I feel so much more at home.

Girly is overrated and I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not.
Maybe it's ok to spend money, if it makes you feel a little better.
Makes you feel a little more at home in your own skin...

Annoyed:

I'm one big contradiction.
My own home-grown version of War and Peace

I'm my own best friend and my own worst enemy.
I'm my single greatest cause and my single worst.

So tired of all these one-many armies and think-for-your-self-ers.
So tired of me being all the things I love and all the things I hate.
I grew up loving ying-yangs, who ever thought I'd be one.

This week could be interesting.
Who knows really.
Been dreaming of snowdogs and that great empty white space that's crying for fulfillment

Been thinking in letters (not words)
Been dreaming in numbers
Been hoping in songs

Oh if I had it all, I'd have nothing.
Oh if I had it all, I could have everything.

All I want is dreams. Too bad their bought and sold in dollars.
Just want a little room to write. Just want to start my own thing.

My own company. I just want to do it all.

(but who am I really doing it for?)

I'm that harmonious chord that makes it all feel right. I'm that dissonance that shakes your spine and makes your hair stand on end. I'm everything you thought I would be and all the things you never dreamed of. I'm too many questions without enough answers.

and all it really is...is that
I'm too human and I hate it.
But doesn't everyone?

xoxo.

7:10 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
Ahhhhhhhhh

Surprises are individually wrapped stars plucked from the sky and packaged up in white boxes with silver bows and given to the people you love...

Currently Listening To: pretty songs...
Currently Thinking: I'd like to be elsewhere...
Currently Wanting: A nice homecooked meal...

I am going places. I hope you'll follow...

Inbetween Dreams...

10:25 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Midterms took over too much of my time and thoughts of the far-off where completely driven off...how dully colored life becomes without imagination.

Dolphins swimming through trees, mountains under seas. It's all there if you look. I swear it's there. Swinging in and out of thought and dream: those vines so initimately intertwined. They say it won't get you anywhere, but what do they know?

Everyone's a hypocrite: Dreams are food for the soul and if you didn't have them you'd drown. Don't know what it is I'm eating these days. I'm so hungry. So ravenous. So willing to dream up anything...

I just want some direction. Some star to guide this little life of mine.

Faith.

XO

Float on...

1:51 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Spent quite some time away from here floating in between other lines (lives)...

The last week whirled by, a photograph with the apparture left open too long. Ah, but there's some sort of beauty in that smeared imaged...Only the astounding stands out, only the amazing left to shine...

Went out for ice cream. Holiday chills, young kid thrills. Everything so red and golden. Those trips in the car are priceless. The radio makes me laughs its so ridiculous, the city makes me smile its so perfect.

Sent packages to Seth and Hayley. Wanting more than anything to make them smile. The two who've held me up so high...I want nothing more than their happiness. You couldn't ask for more in friends. Strange, but I know they both belong in my life. I take comfort in knowing they were put there for me... Strange how whenever I need one of them, my phoneline breaks into a ring. Always there.

Friday. Watched the girls in green play in the pouring rain. Warm up was amazing. Nothing more intense than a rain game. Felt inspired. Compelled even. No goals on me, baby. Scoreless. We lost. Don't know how I feel about that one. The bench never felt so cold. My blood never ran that slow... But Saturday we won...amazing. I don't play. But I know I help. Challenge others to do better. Be better. Not settle...it's all for them.

Anyways last night...

The boy and I fought.
Inevitable really.
When you're writing in code something always falls slips through the system.
Too bad tears are the only equalizer.

Encrypted notes where every word has a double meaning...
(sound familiar)

It's strange but we both knew it meant nothing.
Both knew the choices we'd make.
Love is Faith.

And I'd do
Anything for you, dear.
Anything.

Still, I'm glad knowing that we're ok.
But fighting and pain can be good.
I'm glad you opened up to me
I'm glad you wanted me to know.

And the note you penned in someone else's ink
Moved my heart to tears. I'm so blessed.

Thank you. For making my life this amazing.

love.love.love.

Mondays...

12:50 PM Edit This 2 Comments »
These are water color days and all the rain we get makes them run together;
a steady black blur across a blank page...
- the girl

Talking

7:09 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
Conversations on the phone are little secrets that spill across hundreds of miles for no one else to hear. It's strange but with your voice on the line it's hard to imagine that we're so far apart. If I can hear you, I should be able to see you. I'm not made for missing, but voicemails are gold: little SOS signals meant just for me and my ears. (press 9 if you'd like to save this message.)

XO
- the girl

Snapshot: Point and Click

12:59 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
It's one of those days where the world starts in color and fades to black and white.
It's strange how much color the right people can bring into the world.
And how bland the world seems to go when they depart.

But that was the jumpstart I needed. Or at least a push in the right direction.

All those words you said - Seth, Ben, and Hayley, - and all those guitar strings you played - for awhile, this place felt like home. Because home is where you're heart is, and mine's with you. (I'm tucked just inside your back pocket.)

Everyone says you need to "let go" and "reconnect."
But a tree can't grow if you chop off its roots.
I don't want to reconnect - I want to grow and spread and be glorious.

my pokemon covered laptop will remind me of all the laugh we shared. Hayley-bear of all the smiles. You guys came during my worst week ever and from that rain you made a rainbow. Knowing you all drove that huge blue line that connects me to you made me smile till my jaw hurt. I felt so loved.

It's strange we haven't been friends that long in terms of time, but I feel like I've known you all forever. Thank you for the kick start, the words of wisdom, and the conversations that turned into mumbling as we fell asleep...

I'm not sure what's going to happen with all this college business. Right now I just want a laptop and a fireside. A novel and a hot cup of cocoa. ( I don't do coffee. Addiction isn't my style, so much...) It's been so long since I've written anything substantial...and I think the fire's burning and this time, this time it doesn't seem so forced. The fire's burning, but I don't think it's for college. But we'll see. Rash decisions are stupid. (but they make you feel oh so secure)

I have the best friends in the world; they make me smile like a crazy person.
Or like a little kid on Christmas.

***
I hope your dreaming.
I am.
- The Fancy Kid

A Million Little Pieces...

1:43 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I cried a thousand tears and repainted the world so that the reds were redder, the oranges more orange, and the gold shone more brightly. It was as if each tear removed a blemish from the world -- God's reassurance that things will get better; the world encompassed in one big color harmony. Everything fits.

I can feel blood flowing through my veins again. It's odd feeling it flow both up and down your arms and fingers all at once. It seems so contradictory, but in actuality its all the same process. A billion cells working to fuel the larger system. Everything breaks down into something else. Decomposition isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. But maybe recomposition or simultaneous composition.

You don't need to be dead to be broken down.

It's so strange to me how in the universe everything works in small, little steps. But in our everyday lives we bypass all of it, opting for larger and faster. When did "the bigger the better" replace "less is more?" We pop pills to solve the chills we get from too much, too fast.

Change isn't a word, it's a lifestyle.

The buzz of cars rushing back and forth never fades, not even in sleep. Whatever happened to walking? Silence has gone extinct;there's always something electric humming in the background. Always some other noise that needs shutting off.

I feel like everyone is moving, but no one is going anywhere. Their movement serves no purpose. They aren't heading anywhere; it's circular, like the rodent on the wheel. Senseless. What's the point of moving, if you have no actual movement? It's like everyone's looking for something, but no one's actually searching. Temporary solutions are far easier than long term ones. No one likes to struggle...

I've come to the conclusion that the more you do and the more you have, the less you see and the less you care. And when I say "have" I don't mean money necessarily. I just mean in general. This isn't true for everyone, but the more I see the more I feel this way.

Some days, all I want to do is unplug the world and go back to simplicity.

I want to go back to when Death was more than a five letter word. Not because I'm dark and cynical, but because not openly acknowledging it seems to falsify life. Lessen it. If you don't fear death, how can you enjoy life? And even the brief period of acknowledgment we do allow death, we beautify it or run from it. Bed sheets cover passed on faces and make up tries to remove all traces of death...We hide death because we're too afraid to deal with it. We push it aside and acknowledge it only when forced. And I don't really understand how you have a purpose unless you acknowledge that you and what you do are only temporary. You're going to die. It's inevitable. Why don't you just accept it now? I don't get how can you make decisions when you don't acknowledge death in some form and unless you acknowledge some form of afterlife too, life seems so pointless. Honestly, when you get down to it it's downright depressing.

"Than Almitra spoke, saying, 'We would ask now of Death.'
And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light. If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink form the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."
- The Prophet (Kahlil Gibran)
.
Why don't you think on that one and get back to me.
- The girl.

5:21 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
I think I finally have faith in God again.

"Possible is one of those words that goes funny if you say it too much.” - The Every Boy

2:56 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
It's a Wednesday. You know, Wednesday is either really amazing or really terrible. It's not one of those days that can go either way. Jury's out for now. Had a rough time getting out of bed then forgot my books and went to class. Spent six hours behind a desk penning nickle and dime thoughts. Psychology slipped into boredom...the rest fell like dominoes.

But the clock's still running. Who knows what amazing things will happen next.

Since I got back, I feel like I've been living with my eyes closed. Haven't been this tired for a long time. All I seem to do when I'm awake is dream of being asleep. All I seem to do in bed is stare at the ceiling or at the dark place in the back of my mind. It isn't much of anything but it sure isn't helpful.

"Three weeks and I hadn’t slept. Three weeks without sleep, and everything becomes an out-of-body experience." (Fight Club -- Chuck Palahniuk)
Watched "Supersize Me" in class. Who ever thought food could be that disgusting. The idea of eating anything but fruit or vegtables makes me want to throw up.

So this is what I've read in the past month

  1. The Every Boy - Dana Adam Shapiro [choice book]
  2. Leaves of Grass - Walt Whitman [choice book]
  3. The Purpose Driven Life [choice book]
  4. You Get So Alone Sometimes It Just Makes Sense - Charles Bukowski [choice book, selected sections]
  5. Sifting Through The Maddness For The Word, The Line, The Way - Charles Bukowski [choice book, selected sections]
  6. Psychology Modules 7th Edition
  7. The Odyssey - Homer
  8. The Works of Sappho
  9. The Work os Cattulus
  10. The Bible: Genesis, Job, Song of Songs, Matthew, Luke, and John
  11. The Epic Of Gilgamesh
  12. Antigone - Sophocles
That's a lot of words to have running through your head.

Anyways

Last night, Laura's curtain broke so her closet barred its guts to the rest of the room. Naked. Exposed. The clutter in the closet killed her. Her worry killed me. That laughtrack was on repeat all night... I used to be a neat freak. Now, I'm just too tired to really care. So she opened up my closet and my mess made her feel better. Glad I could help.

I'm picking up my saxophone tomorrow or the next day. Can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait. Except I forgot my music books at home. Maybe I'll just pick one up or have them mailed out. This weekend should be pretty amazing.(I hope). Seth, Ben, and Hayley are coming up Saturday night....but I have an away game so I'll have to ditch for a few hours. Oh well. I'm sososososososososo grateful I get to see them to begin with.

Speaking of which

Despite those rainy day eyes this weekend was worth it. Seeing everyone was amazing. It was nice to fall asleep in my own corner of the world. Church was fun too. So good to see Seth. Loved watching him and Noah play. ahhhhhh I miss those days in his basement with Johnny and Ben with the amps turned up so high you could feel the music in you, on you. Or those nights in my living room where they'd grab guitars and jam.
"Sing me something soft / sad and delicate / or loud and out of key, / sing me anything / we're glad for what we've got, / done with what we've lost / Our whole lives laid out right in front of us..." (Existentialism On Prom Night -- Straylight Run)
I have to go to practice now. I'll probably write again tonight. If I remember.

love.love.love.

RARRRR: Dinosaur Sounds are Fun

9:14 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
It's raining, but then it's always raining here.
(I hope you brought your rain boots.)
Forget the umbrella. (they're overrated)

And I've been dreaming in black and white again, remembering all those things I could've done, should've done, would've done had I not forgotten. Hindsight is the gold you want but will never have (never need). Been thinking about all those projects I've started and haven't gotten around to finishing.
  1. Through The River (book)
  2. The Northwind (book)
  3. Enchantment Reawakened (movie, finished but unsold)
  4. Broken Promises to Myself (letters; poems; places; [never people])
  5. All those numbers people gave me (they remain undialed)
  6. All those ideas that never penned out
  7. All those ideas that never ran off the drawing board.
  8. All that music that never fell onto black lines...
A list like that makes me wonder what I actually have finished. Right now I'm an arrow without a bullseye. Where the hell am I trying to go? I'm so tired of all the puppet strings, all those would be kings and queens of drama. I just want the joker. (redeal)

Not really. I'm pretty content. Loving so many things and people and dreams. I've got big plans, these days: I'm the music floating down the hallway. I'm the wave that's heading fullspeed toward the coast. I've got guitar strings in my fingers. I've got a saxophone in my heart. And I don't care that it cost a million. don't care. don't care. don't care. Money is copper, but music, music is gold.

[and so are all those pretty words you wrote]

This is the rainy state. (I hope you packed your dancing shoes)
Don't be depresed. Go out and splash around. <3>

In other news...

This is what my blood's been pulsing to.
This is where my heart's been heading.

Don't worry.
This is just a scratch track for what's to come. It's been so long since I've written anything meaningful. The last poem I wrote was on a napkin I threw out by mistake. The last book I wrote was two years ago and ended without an ending and started without a plot. The Last Fortune Cookie I received said: "Although it feels like a roller coaster now, life will calm down."

Currently listening to: Relient K - "When I Go Down"
Current State of Mind: Insomniac
Currently thinking: About a boy.
Currently located: In my Room.
Currently looking forward to: snow. sunshine. friends. love.

I hate how you look back on what you wrote and hate it.
I think I'll post this anyways though.
Dinosaur sounds are fun. Don't you dare forget that.

love.love.love.
the girl in the gray hoodie.
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