The Horizon Has Been Defeated

4:37 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
These days sunsets sail out into forever. This little life of mine is shining brighter than anyone could imagine.

I'm still in disbelief that it ended so -- I don't know, but I'm in even more disbelief that it ever began. But it's ok, I think I sort of have this naive optimism in people when I really shouldn't. I have to say I don't think I really ever underestood him until I gained some distance on everything and had my rose color glasses stepped on. Once I gained that distance I realized how much it isn't worth it. It's got to suck, you know sometimes I think I was the only one who actually had standards for him, because no one else was ever surprised at how he handled things or treated me. I guess that right there says in itself a lot about us as individuals.

He apologized but I don't think he quite understood what he was apologizing for. I wrote a letter back to him but I still don't know if I should send it. It's no longer my job to help him. But maybe thinking like that is selfish. If nothing else, maybe I should send the letter because it could force some much needed introspection? I don't think he'd appreciate it and it would come off as tacky, mean-spirited, or worst of all an attempt to fix things. I don't want them fixed, not really. There's no point trying to salvage a friendship with someone who can't even respect someone he spent so much time with.

Oh well.

Anyways I've been living that dream so many people wish they could. Floating from one adventure to the next, living it up with friends. It's been absolutely amazing. The best part of life is not having to live alone.

Anyways, I started another book (writing) so I should get back to it. It's pretty slow going.

"When you can't walk you crawl and when you can't crawl you find someone to carry you..."

5:55 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
Animals are beautiful. I can't expand such a thought to make it any more profound.

Have you ever been so paralyzed by depression that when loneliness enters it stops your blood from beating? That's how it was with Sri (my rat). When Brodie died, she stopped living, just sort of stood at the top of her cage watching people go by, refusing to eat or even play. I didn't know what to do so finally I decided to get her some friends. Enter Jamison and Tuck, two baby rats about half her size. Jamison quickly figured out how to crawl to the top tier of the cage where the food was, but tuck couldn't do it. She tried and tried but just couldn't. So she sat on the tube on the middle level of the cage. About a half hour later, after she'd given up, Sri bent down, picked her up by the neck and carried her up so she could eat food.

I don't know. I just think about that and think how wonderfully kind animals are.
Don't eat meat.

I'm Not Running

1:18 PM Posted In , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I was so happy to be at church even though seeing Seth hurt. I don't really know why it hurt, but it did. I just felt so empty on the inside. Physically hollow. It's weird though because I've still been my usual happy self even though the way this all went down sucked hardcore. I still feel like that poem. I guess I just wish we could talk or something. I don't know. Everything is so bizarre. He's like a living ghost or something.

You just have to let it go and live your life.

I feel like I'm on the edge of something, standing in-between two places trying to figure out which side I want to be on. Everyone keeps saying I'm wearing rose colored glasses, maybe I am. I don't really know why people would want me to take them off. I guess it's because optimism is a two edged blade. It'll either cut through all the crap or it'll stick you good and hard. You just have to be ready for that. I've got my armor on nice and tight.

But I think we need to assume the best in everyone, in everything. I don't know. I wish I could fix things but it's no longer my place. I wish relationships didn't end in explosions where both sides are left wondering what the hell happened, neither party talking to the other. I don't know. I just think silence is impossible.

But I'm in a really really good place right now. I'm so glad I went to church. I just felt so at home and at peace there. It hurt though, going home to my house. I just wanted to have an open conversation with my mom about how I felt but my dad made it impossible. He said me going to church was stupid.

It hurt so so so much.
I just wish people could understand that life goes beyond our own sorrows.
That's why I've kept going. It's not about him or me or us. It's a God thing.

But he went on and on about how it's stupid to intentionally go somewhere where you'd see a person you loved so much. I think it's stupid to quit something just because of awkward hurts. I mean really. Plus, if you can't even face the hurt then I doubt that you're really dealing with it.

Running away is just stupid. Cowardly.
I'm tired of being judged on what I do or don't do.
I'm tired of people arguing with my heart.

I'm so much stronger than anyone ever thought. And yes I cried and yes I'll probably do it again, but why do tears mean weakness. What's so wrong with professing the song your heart is singing? True strength is facing what you feel, not turning your back to it.

The end.

With Roses In My Hands

2:05 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I've wrapped myself into the blues of the sky so I'm spread across the horizon for all the world to see. Nestled in-between birdsong and heartwarm, I just wanted to come home and I did. I really did. I'm moving like jazz music and getting lost on paper-napkin thoughts.

I've been thinking about what these days could have been and comparing them to what they are. Life is strange like that. But it's all so beautiful that underneath whatever it is THIS is the glory still shines through.

I hope the sun is spotting its light on you and that you're finally tasting the sweet tangy flavor of oxygen. I'm breathing deep and living simple.

I started a new journal. On paper. The last one was too full of tears so that every time I opened rivers of problems that were no longer mine flooded out into my face and drowned me in depression.

I'm not worried about me or about anyone, really. I don't know. I just feel like everything is going to fall into place suddenly, beautifully, like the way you go to sleep with stars and grass and wake up with a blanket of snow.

Transformation.

Scythe

4:38 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
New age prophets gone extinct
This is an age of endless humming
The sun’s been blown to smithereens
No remnants to bury

We roam and struggle in
Our artificial darkness
Searching for that Great Electronic Switch
And boom, there’s clarity.

Oh, but it’s not so easy
Darkness knows no end
And that Great Electric Switc
hThat sudden light bulb syndrom
Doesn’t work on a macro scale

The very thing you Worship
Brings your slow destruction.W
here are those great cedars of Lebanon now?
Those impossible chemists of Brazil?
Don’t you feel that slow chemical burn
Crackling through your lungs?

But machine gears clink onward
You’re axe readies another swing
Plant your poisons into
The lives you grow to eat.

Well, the circle swings in full.
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