Play Crack The Sky

7:51 AM Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I'm feeling more and more like I'm lost in between the lines of a poem searching for the next word to step on.

I wanted you to be ok, but you looked like a hurricane, looked like you felt like a hurricane. And I couldn't do anything locked up in my basement, waiting for the storm to pass. I imagine no one will know what to do when it's over.

Sometimes you have to tear down the world so you can recreate it.
Sometimes out of devastating destruction the most beautiful things are born.
It takes rough waters to make the smoothest stones.

I finally realized that all you were doing was your best. Trying to find some wood to cling to. Trying to stay afloat. I hope you found that life raft. I pray it's coming soon if it isn't there yet. And I never realized how much I wished I could have carried your burden.

"Open your eyes look at me / I'll bring to you whatever you need / And I'll tell you I'm sorry / That I can't take this pain away from you / And I'd put it on my own body if I knew how to..." - Copeland "Testing The Strong Ones"

I want you to be better. I want you to be ok and to know that even if you're not ok that you're going to be ok. I want you to know I love you but I'm doing fine on my own. I want you to know that everything will work out and that you are strong. I want you to know that in the end, I will always always be your friend.

XO

Intrinsic Reflection on My Life and It's Sections...

4:45 AM Posted In , , , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
You know it's strange, for so long I wanted my life to make sense and then I realized that if everything made sense Faith would have no value. I'm still learning. I think everything happens for a reason. And it's ok if you don't understand why things happen at face value, but I think you should be able to look back on life and realize what it is you took out of a decision you made or one that was made for you. Constant reflection is the first step on the path to self improvement, to really seeing God.

I pulled God up on the telephone while on the freeway in-between points A and B. Suddenly everything just made sense in the fact that it didn't. It made sense because talking with God, I realized how at peace I was and how breaking up was such an incredibly freeing experience. I am free. I realized so many powerful things that it doesn't matter (nor did it ever) if there were ulterior motives behind the decision.

It's not that it doesn't still hurt, it does a little. But not because I want to get back together. I think the only reason it hurts sometimes is because I thought I knew a person. I thought I understood him. And maybe I still do, I'm not sure. It's hard to tell. There are some things you will never know about anyone because as close as you get to being able to read each other's thoughts, you can never know them. Everything exists solely on a faith of some sort.

It hurts because I felt like it could have been done with so much more class, so much more honesty. I don't think breaking up is ever easy, but I think because of that it has to be done with grace. I don't think this was graceful. And that's ok you know, I'm not angry. In fact, I'd still like to be friends. I'm not really sure why. I don't think relationships are something that should just be tossed aside. I don't think kicking someone out of your life after having been with them for so long is healthy. I don't know. I'm fine with being friends, but at the same time I know he doesn't think so.

It's strange how much you learn about people by removing yourself from them and just watching their actions unfold. What we don't do is equally as important as what we do. Inaction speaks as loud as action, sometimes even more so. In the end, all I feel is sadness for him. Maybe that isn't what I should be feeling. Maybe I should be feeling happy for him. Or maybe I shouldn't be feeling anything at all. I'm not really sure. I'm not one to deny my emotions or run away from a problem.

What I realized during that conversation with God was that I had been trying to solve his problems when they were never mine to solve. I realized that all this time I thought I needed him, but I never did. I never did at all. And it wasn't even that I didn't know that at the time, I did, it just came so clearly now that he was gone. I thought I needed someone else's love to prove my worth but I don't need to prove anything. I have God's love and to say that I needed more, that God's love wasn't enough just seemed so selfish.

And I've been realizing how selfish I am and it makes me sick. I want to change. I don't know where to begin, but I'm beginning by doing less thinking of myself and more thinking of others. Being selfless isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. That's my goal.

My other goal is to be less judgemental. I can be pretty shallow sometimes and looking back at my relationship with Seth, there were definitely points where I was really shallow and selfish. I'm sad that I ever acted that way, but I know that if I can look back and recognize what I was doing then I'm taking a step forward in the right direction.

I want to love everyone. I want to love people for being people, not for the way they look or talk or act. Love is not a commodity. It isn't conditional. You don't get love for doing good instead of bad. Love is, by definition, unconditional. I was reading Blue Like Jazz and it said that one of the miracles of the Bible was that Jesus never played favorites. He loved everyone and he loved them equally. I think that's a really beautiful thing.

We should love everyone because we are all beautiful. We are all filled with something greater than our selves. I want to move forward and learn in Faith. I want to love people because love is beautiful and turns this black and white world into a world full of color. And when you start to think about Jesus and what he did and how he did it, how could he not be God? Maybe that's a shocking statement to you. I don't really know.

It makes me so terribly broken hearted though, how many atrocities have been committed in His name. People molding faith to fit their wants instead of letting their faith mold them. If we just let go of ourselves, wouldn't that be a very beautiful thing?

I love you, whoever you are.

No One Really Wins This Time.

5:11 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
"I hope that you'll look back before you go / Cause grace looks back before it starts to leave" - Copeland

In the end, I guess that says it all.
I wanted to say this to someone, so thanks for listening, whoever you are.

XO

Serenity

9:20 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Breath in.



Love starts on the inside and works its way out. It emerges in full color like a sunrise after a hurricane. Bliss. Love is the soul breathing out it's purpose for the world to be known. And I'm learning that the most important type of love isn't limited to a single individual. You don't save it up on rainy days to cash in later for a better model. Love is for everyone and everyone deserves our love.



Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
If only everyone could just understand.



"Trippers and askers surround me,
People I meet, the effect upon me of my early life or the ward and city I live in, or the nation,
The latest dates, discoveries, inventions, societies, authors old and new,
My dinner, dress, associates, looks, compliments, dues,
The real or fancied indifference of some man or woman I love,
The sickness of one of my folks or of myself, or ill-doing or loss or lack of money, or depressions or exaltations, Battles, the horrors of fratricidal war, the fever of doubtful news, the fitful events;
These come to me days and nights and go from me again,
But they are not the Me myself."
- Walt Whitman "Song Of Myself"


And all those rumors buzz around like fireflies lighting up my sky, but I'm too busy gazing at the stars. Too filled with love, awe, and wonder. I see them, I'm curious. But in the end, I know what we had mattered to me even if it didn't matter to you. So whether those fireflies are glowing with truth or deception, doesn't really matter. The fact is they're glowing. The fact is, my face has turned to look at something bigger, something more glorious. The fact is that the light of a firefly fades but that the stars never do.

I unpacked the poem he wrote, wrapped in a clockwork orange, wrapped in a memory, wrapped in love. It's strange how you can love a person but realize that the person you are loving is a memory and no longer exists. This new person isn't the man I fell in love with. He's a boy.

And that's ok. Because sometimes the world is too scary to deal with as an adult. Sometimes you need the security blanket and the reassurance of your mother's hand. Life isn't easy. I know that.

The firefly's are swarming.
Even if my tears are glistening in the moonlight, all I can do is smile. Because in the end, all you have is yourself and God and I'm learning each day now how neither one is really separate. He wraps himself around your heart so you can't help but be changed. And never say you did nothing for the world because the greatest miracle in this world is the fact that you are alive and that God is alive within you.

I pray that shooting stars fall near where you're watching and that you reach out and pluck those wishes from the sky because I don't need them. And if I could, I'd save the ones I see in a jar and give them to you next year on your birthday.

The biggest misconception the world feeds you is that unless your life is in perfect order you cannot be happy. You don't need perfection to be happy. You don't need anything at all. Just let go, live in the moment, and smile as big as heaven.

Breath Out.

First Mile Down

7:56 AM Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
God pours rivers into my ears and lets them unfold in sequence. Moment after moment. Each drop of water only asks another question. Faces in the crowd of my life drip out onto the window pane of my soul. Those who are the most important to me, those who I haven't seen in years. All come and say their piece.

My heart won't let me forget. It drags your face out across the night so my whole soul must see it for six hours long. Forcing me to acknowledge what is hurting, reminding me that pain exists. Searing open yesterday's wound so it can reheal stronger.

First love. First heart break. The tangled webs of our lives choked me. I'm breathing easy now. But I am still confused. I love him and I loved him. Does that just go away? Can it just disappear? Or does it change into something else? Or do we just go our separate ways?

I don't understand how you can move on and leave your best friend behind forever. Maybe I wasn't his, but he was surely mine. It's strange, I know I'm not ready to just be friends, but I also know that I don't want to leave him behind.

"I might be naked and lonely
shaking branches for bones
but I'm still time zones away
from who I was the day before we met
you were the first mile
where my heart broke a sweat
and I wish you were here
I wish you'd never left
but mostly I wish you well
I wish you my very very best"
- Andrea Gibson (from her poem "photograph")

I want him to be better. I want to fast forward to the time were he and I can hang out and be friends and think back on the time we dated and not be awkward about it. I want that time to come and I want to know when it does, but how do you know?

I don't want to lose my best friend. And maybe he can't be my best friend anymore, and I think that's ok. I think maybe that's normal and natural. I don't even know what I want. I want to know he wants the same. I want to know I mattered, the way he did to me.

And I do know. I did. My heart has all the answers. But right now my heart is a little confused. This is the end for right now but not forever. And when I say not forever, I'm not saying I expect us to go back out again. I don't have any expectations. What's hard isn't the silence. It's not knowing how long the silence will endure.

I am a painter and I'm lining up bright colors for my canvas.
I think I shouldn't talk of this anymore.
I've had my time to mourn.
This was all an under-painting.
The real work must now begin.


xo.

Just Relax, And Recap, And Relapse

9:38 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I emailed Seth.

It was probably a stupid thing to do. But if anyone would understand, I think it would be him. And it wasn't really anything important. Just what was on my mind, what was on my heart. Earlier, I'd said I want to go to vineyard but in the email I was open and honest. I am trying to tell myself that its for someone else, for me, for God...and while it would be for me and for God, part of it would be for Seth.

I don't know. I want to go, but it doesn't feel right. I want to go, but I want to go for me. I want it to be for me and for God, not for him.

Today, I spent the day digging in the dirt like I was back in first grade. Holes, salamanders, and worms. Helping Grandma was fun. We watched Bride and Prejudice when we were all done. Fun stuff.

That's all.
I'm thinking on repeat.
Time to shut the machine off.

Makedamnsure

5:41 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Rejection #2.
(Or three if you want to be real technical.)

It's strange but the more punches you get thrown the more you learn how to take. Even though it sucked getting those "we regret to inform you..." letters, I'm not sad. I mean it hurt but I just shook it off and kept my head held high.

I know that my life is taken care of. If I trust in myself, if I work hard and thoroughly, and if I put my faith in God then everything will be ok. You can't tear me down, because I'm just gonna keep crawling to the top. You can't keep me down, because the future is just going to keep coming and I'm going to keep grabbing at it, taking gigantic pieces of it to sit on my plate and swallow down hole.

You can't keep me down because I am happy and have decided to be happy and to always be happy. I've glued the light switch on. There's no shutting me off, no shutting me up. I'm gonna makedamnsure this little light of mine shines bright enough to see the glorious future waiting down the road.

It's amazing, the power of the human spirit.
You can't keep me from success.
You can't make me miserable.

- xoxo

5:52 AM Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
You were black and bright
And then you were burning.
Brilliant shades of brick red, blazing yellows
And shimmery shining boiling blues
That were brewing into one artistic blur
that was once called life


That black brush that bound soul in body
Soundlessly sinks and settles
in the slow syncopation of flame
That fierce fighting faultless flame
that once burned brightly within
Now flawlessly feeds on your soft mortality
Now lawlessly bleeds on your simple perfection
Now fragments bone through sluggish baking


The glaring flaring heat floods
across you far from my face
But I know what it’s doing:
The heat licks and flicks and kicks
all across your body breaking you down
bit by bit, bone by bone,
so that you die all over again.


You were the beacon
The sunny sparkling symbol of hope
the loyal luminous light warming
The cold and the cutting chill of childhood,
illuminating the waves of wonder
that wander the world waiting to be captured.


You were all that is good.


You had been in my arms
Looking and living and loving
Breathing and beating and blinking
Blood pumping and pouring.


You had been in my arms
And I, I didn’t know what to do.
I was scared but you were strong.


It was then that for those brief drawn out moment that
The quilt of time shattered sending shards of life
splicing and soaring through the air.
They sailed by us, each single memory.
And for so long all that we could see was one another
both in and out of time


You watched tears fall furiously
From autumning eyes that followed
Your every heart beat, your every glance.
I mapped them in my memory
traced the trailing outlines with my heart
but that thin and fragile line is failing now
and our lasts moments together slip
and slither out of my straining hands.


Time tepidly took you
As you unwound your last bit of yarn
masterfully making your mark on the world
Letting the quilt come together again:
Leaping threads overlap as life
continues to weave its long unending pattern
Days and weeks are sewn into months and years
but you have left that measured rhythm
in search of another song


You regally rallied a final look.
You weren’t scared.


But still I rewind and unbind the weaving
Searching for the single strand that was you
I pull and tug undoing the rug until the thread
of me is wrapped with the thread of you


Until you sigh your last sweet breath
You stare into my eyes
then time stops for seconds
As we sing our finally harmony together
I smile and the spell is broken:
your soul escapes into the sky.


You had been in my arms
And then my arms were
Holding you and not holding you
But time, life, love - they didn’t stop.

Sometimes The Hardest Thing And The Right Thing Are The Same...

8:37 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I can't seem to stop writing. The pen is mightier than the sword. I'm hacking away at the-grass-is-greener thoughts. I keep wishing I could relive what happened and say something different. I know that I can't. You can't take back what's been done and you can't change what's been said. All you can do is build on top of it.

I say all these things, trying to tell myself to just move forward, and while I have momentum and I'm being carried someplace...I'm not sure if that's the right place. Like how when you aren't paying attention sometimes you put the car in drive when what you really wanted was reverse. Except this is different and I think it's easy to see how it's different but not so easy to articulate it.

I think for the first time in my life my brain understands something that my heart hasn't yet completely grasped. Then other times I think it's my heart that's grasped the concept and it's my brain that's trying to catch up. I don't really know.

All I know is that things are different.
I want to explode into stardust and cover the world in wishes.

- Fly away on happy thoughts -

For Better or Worse

3:47 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Sign in

Somedays I am just a silhoutte. Floated inbetween past and future today and couldn't tell what picture was being draw out. Just keep the hand moving. Just keep yourself full of color.

It was an interesting experience, teaching gym. Little kids running rampant. But it just made me smile. All that laughter, all that life yet to be lived.



And for me too. Keep moving, keep breathing, keep living and loving. Just one day at a time. One moment, one second. Till things slip past and things change. Leaves fall, new flowers blossom.

Sign out.

Somewhere Between Unsure And A Hundred

7:27 AM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »

And right now I feel my whole world could be boiled down onto a track list and burned into your ears. It's nice knowing you're never alone. There's always some sweet smooth song slipping through the air saying that someone else has been there, done that. What this is, where it's going, I don't really know.


It's strange how you get so comfortable and so sure of certain things, you forget that they can disappear. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. Disolved into motion. Too many big decisions need to be made.

I guess all you can really do is trust your heart because if you can't trust yourself and God (who's in your heart), then who can you trust?

The roadtrip is only beginning...

That You Could Be Well Oh That Strong

9:18 PM Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
For the first time I saw I deer in my backyard. I walked out onto my porch feeling a little sad, regretting a decision I'd made. And the deer just ran into my backyard, stopped, and looked at me. It's strange but right then I knew that no matter what, everything would be alright. Life is beautiful. We need a bump or two in the road every now and then because it makes us stop and see the world. Everything is just so startlingly beautiful.

I know this has all been hard, but I'm glad it happened. I never realized how strong I was. I know I broke down, I know I called, and I know I may do it all again, but I'm ok and will continue to be ok. If this is the end then what a great run we had. If this is the end and we had such a beautiful run then just imagine what the future has in store for me and for him. If this isn't the end then imagine how much better the future will be.

The deer ran into my yard and just looked at me and I knew everything was ok and was going to be ok and would always be ok. I don't really know how I knew that, but I guess that's what faith is. It's like I know that no matter what happens everything will be ok.

Life can throw me all the punches it wants. I'm a prize fighter. I'll walk away with the trophy.
Losing all hope isn't freedom. Having hope in all possibilities is.

There are no endings, just new beginnings.

xo.

The Point Is They Laugh At What You Say

7:19 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

A foolish man went on a journey, and wherever he traveled, people tricked him out of his belongings, saying they needed his help. Eventually he was naked and, ashamed to be seen, he went into the woods. There he met monsters who wanted to eat him, so they tricked him into giving up his arms and legs and even his eyes, until he was nothing but a head. The last monster, as he munched on the traveler's eyes, gave him a piece of paper that said "fool," and the traveler wept for joy, because no one had ever given him anything before.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I had to choose who to be in the story, I would always choose to be foolish man weeping with joy. I would rather be a fool than a monster. I would rather give than be given.

Wouldn't you?

Just To Turn It Around...

7:21 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Positive Things About Today
  1. I unpacked my car and brought everything up to my room.
  2. I met Dori. What an adorable puppy.
  3. Ben came and we walked Tyler. That dog is crazy. Always has a smile on his face. Had a really good conversation about everything.
  4. This summer is going to be awesome.
  5. I confirmed my Doctor's appointment which means they can figure out what to fix.
  6. Lindy came home.
  7. I watched Grey's with my mom.
  8. I'm still a vegetarian. Day 6.
  9. I gave my mom a bracelet that I made for her. I like to think I did a good job.
  10. I am stronger.

Up down. up down. up down. Kind of like sledding. You gotta walk the hill if you're gonna go for a ride...

12:15 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
compost the past, build a better future.
xo.

Blue Sky Holiday

9:28 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
You know, I have no regrets. Amazing. Spin the record. Rewrite the world. I guess sometimes you aren't supposed to understand why things are the way they are. Or maybe you get so caught up in the future that you forget the moment.

It's like yesterday, I was walking to go get my car and I was so into getting there that I got to it and realized it wasn't even my car. Maybe that's our biggest downfall in life. Focusing so much on what we want we don't realize when we've got it or when we've passed it by. I don't know. Or living solely for the future.

Life isn't about tomorrow, it's about today. I guess I'd forgotten that.

And sometimes the only phone call you allow yourself to make is the wake-up call. I guess I still don't understand, but I don't need to. Like he said. I don't know. He said I didn't understand. He was right. But neither did he. And I guess at the end of the day you just have to look back on everything and be ok with the decisions you made. No excuses, no regrets.

No matter the circumstance, you must always be the best possible person. Because people deserve you're best. You're a good heart, even when it's feeling bad. And really, how does being mean to one another solve anything? I guess all you can do is move forward. Shut off the tape recorder. Quit hitting rewind.

I'm tired of living in between li(v/n)es. Sew the pieces back together. Make me whole.

All you can know about life is the present moment. I've been so entangled in a life that I've forgotten all those words I've read, all those thoughts I had. You don't have to define your life in black and white. Things that matter and things that don't. Because I think it matters, all of it. The good and the bad. The things that made you laugh and made you cry. It's all yours and it's all you.

We all make bad decisions, but more importantly we all have the ability to learn and live despite them. And even if things happen to you that you didn't choose or didn't figure into your plan, it doesn't mean you can shut down. The more you shut down, the more you are letting the world dictate your life. The more you stop living, the more you let others determine how and why you live. You can't define the future because of what's happened in the past. Nothing is permanent and as soon as you scribble down one definition you're going to have to come back and scratch it out to write a new one.

I don't know. I thought a lot travelling from point A to point B. Maybe it isn't until you arrive at your destination that you realize how much a journey has changed you. I guess what I want to say is that I'm alright. I'm a strong capable person full of life and love.

I have my ups and downs, my share of not being able to understand. But I'm learning that you can't let what happens bring you down. Because what happens is just one step forward to that next place. And I can be sad and still be ok
too. You can't define yourself in a single word. Why would you ever want to?

I will always give my heart, my self away...
What's the point in being you unless you can give that away to share with others?
Don't forget the past and don't forget the future but you're place, my place is here and now.

Today is a glorious day.

5:22 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
my optimism isn't wearing thin.
sometimes i wish it would.
i have nothing to go on.

steamships wandering in the fog...
only a small beacon of light directing their course.

Light Switch Lifestyles

4:36 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Clap on.

Some days you do the same thing over and over because it's the only thing you know how do to. Rinse, wash, repeat. I've been filled with little robots that are moving me along. Steady as she goes. But where is it that she's going?

You move with the rhythm that makes up your life and when someone hits the wrong beat you don't know how to dance. I'm confused but I'm not worried. I feel so many things and so many are warring with one another. Blurred.

The more I try to explain things the less sense I make. But I think everything is going to whirl itself into something wonderful. The way you take the pieces of one thing and then transform them into another. Each moment just builds upon another. We're constantly composting our pasts too make a better future.

I don't know. I miss you. I'm ok. I just am a little lonely here and there. I wish we could talk. I don't understand but I'm trying so desperately hard to. I don't know if you even if want me to understand or maybe understanding is so far beyond the both of us. Stumbling. Strange but I think everything is going to work out. You're going to be ok. I'm going to be ok. And I think with some work and some walking, we'll be ok.

Clap off.

9:08 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I don't study.
who am I kidding?
I don't even sleep.
Hazy day life.
Burning through the last bit.
Quick, fast, brilliant.
Shooting star.
Make a wish.
Open your eyes.
It will all be ok.
(Whispered rumors of a better tomorrow.)

Life Made of Sound

2:48 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
She caught the music in her fist
Intercepted the Radio Receiver
High-jacked an eight track and plugged in
Symphonies breathing soley for her
Pitches rising, harmonies combining
Mythical, slow, brilliantly floating on
Her soul steals across the sky
Soaring to cresencdos
Flailing to fast notes
Her languid arms lull
when the rythm fully falls
Into something slower
Gradually fading
into oblivion:
Another day done

This is a call out...

12:10 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Lost, alone, and in love...

I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing so I sleep, study, sleep, study, sleep, study...dreaming to wake up from it all. Things shouldn't end this way.

Lost, alone, and in love...
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