First Mile Down
7:56 AM Posted In Future , Golden , happy , life , Love , Moments , moving forward Edit This 0 Comments »
God pours rivers into my ears and lets them unfold in sequence. Moment after moment. Each drop of water only asks another question. Faces in the crowd of my life drip out onto the window pane of my soul. Those who are the most important to me, those who I haven't seen in years. All come and say their piece.
My heart won't let me forget. It drags your face out across the night so my whole soul must see it for six hours long. Forcing me to acknowledge what is hurting, reminding me that pain exists. Searing open yesterday's wound so it can reheal stronger.
First love. First heart break. The tangled webs of our lives choked me. I'm breathing easy now. But I am still confused. I love him and I loved him. Does that just go away? Can it just disappear? Or does it change into something else? Or do we just go our separate ways?
I don't understand how you can move on and leave your best friend behind forever. Maybe I wasn't his, but he was surely mine. It's strange, I know I'm not ready to just be friends, but I also know that I don't want to leave him behind.
I want him to be better. I want to fast forward to the time were he and I can hang out and be friends and think back on the time we dated and not be awkward about it. I want that time to come and I want to know when it does, but how do you know?
I don't want to lose my best friend. And maybe he can't be my best friend anymore, and I think that's ok. I think maybe that's normal and natural. I don't even know what I want. I want to know he wants the same. I want to know I mattered, the way he did to me.
And I do know. I did. My heart has all the answers. But right now my heart is a little confused. This is the end for right now but not forever. And when I say not forever, I'm not saying I expect us to go back out again. I don't have any expectations. What's hard isn't the silence. It's not knowing how long the silence will endure.
I am a painter and I'm lining up bright colors for my canvas.
I think I shouldn't talk of this anymore.
I've had my time to mourn.
This was all an under-painting.
The real work must now begin.
xo.
My heart won't let me forget. It drags your face out across the night so my whole soul must see it for six hours long. Forcing me to acknowledge what is hurting, reminding me that pain exists. Searing open yesterday's wound so it can reheal stronger.
First love. First heart break. The tangled webs of our lives choked me. I'm breathing easy now. But I am still confused. I love him and I loved him. Does that just go away? Can it just disappear? Or does it change into something else? Or do we just go our separate ways?
I don't understand how you can move on and leave your best friend behind forever. Maybe I wasn't his, but he was surely mine. It's strange, I know I'm not ready to just be friends, but I also know that I don't want to leave him behind.
"I might be naked and lonely
shaking branches for bones
but I'm still time zones away
from who I was the day before we met
you were the first mile
where my heart broke a sweat
and I wish you were here
I wish you'd never left
but mostly I wish you well
I wish you my very very best"
- Andrea Gibson (from her poem "photograph")
I want him to be better. I want to fast forward to the time were he and I can hang out and be friends and think back on the time we dated and not be awkward about it. I want that time to come and I want to know when it does, but how do you know?
I don't want to lose my best friend. And maybe he can't be my best friend anymore, and I think that's ok. I think maybe that's normal and natural. I don't even know what I want. I want to know he wants the same. I want to know I mattered, the way he did to me.
And I do know. I did. My heart has all the answers. But right now my heart is a little confused. This is the end for right now but not forever. And when I say not forever, I'm not saying I expect us to go back out again. I don't have any expectations. What's hard isn't the silence. It's not knowing how long the silence will endure.
I am a painter and I'm lining up bright colors for my canvas.
I think I shouldn't talk of this anymore.
I've had my time to mourn.
This was all an under-painting.
The real work must now begin.
xo.
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