Ahhhhh.
Today was so many things, but mostly it was tremendously heart-breaking.
I mean that both literally and figuratively.
***
I really wish I could run. My goal for the summer was to run the road-race, but I could barely do the little I did even though I tried so hard. The most discouraging thing in the world is to do your best and have it still not be good enough. You have to accept what you've got and yet...you still need to work harder, still will...
And then you hit that wall, that invisible unsurmountable wall, and you can't breath. And the pain becomes so much that you buckle over - pride makes you look like your doing it on purpose, even when no one else is around. No...no, I'm fine, really, you tell yourself. I'm just stretching. My legs are tight. Don't want to pull a muscle!
So you run two more laps even though you can't. It becomes a forced stumble forward where your feet just sort of fall in front of you and the only thing that's moving them is the bass blaring through your headphones and scheer iron will. The whole thing is one long awkward dance between what you want to do and what you are actually able to do.
And then you start to think: It's your own fault. You should have gone slower. And you don't know what makes you feel worse the fact that you can't do it or that fact that you're an idiot and tried to do it to fast. But...the voice in your head says....that's what running's all about. Speed.
When you finally stop running and you can feel the blood rushing through your finger tips like a million raindrops sliding down your skin or more unnerving, up it. You're hands are one massive lump of fleshy confusion so much blood going in and out and round and you can feel it in each finger tip, up and down.
When you finally get some place where you can sit you realize how fucking exhausted you are. Five laps. That nothing. A little more than a mile. Pathetic. The pain in your stomach isn't going away and you begin to cough, not loud. The quiet cough, you know the type that sounds forced. But this one isn't. And all at once you can't breath again. Too much. Is the oxygen going in or out? Something isn't processing this right. So you start weezing and coughing again.
You get back to your room and are so tired all you want to do is sleep, but you have work to do and people you need to talk to. You sign online and realize you can barely read what people are typing. The letters have gone for a merry-go-round ride and nothing is stationary. It'll stay like this for hours. Sometimes even after you wake up. That's the worst because you expect to be ok and then you aren't. When it's like that you just want to shut your eyes and go back to bed to make the spinning go away.
This is the only eye exam you'll ever fail. 20/20 vision does you tons of good when the letters bounce all over the page. Sometimes you put on glasses. You can't tell if this helps or not. You like to think it does. You like to think you're doing something because the fact that you're powerless over your own body is terrifying.
***
Then there was the fact that today made you absolutely miserable. I'm not sure if I've ever seen you that upset. And the realization that all I could do was stand by you as you worked it out was a little painful. I know I can't take your pain away, but know that if I could I would. I can't take it away, but I'll stand by you while you work through it. I'll hold your hand. I'll send you my thoughst and prayers. Everything I can think of...but we both know that only you can fix it and we both know you will.
Open your eyes look at me
I'll bring to you whatever you need
And I'll tell you I'm sorry
That I can't take this pain away from you
And I'd put it on my own body if I knew how to
Can’t you see?
I've gotta bust you outta here somehow
I've never seen your heart this tired
I've never seen your spirit held down
***
Hugs and Kisses
