Trying

9:07 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I want to write my soul down
Feel the words of it pound out
In pictures and letters
Bound it up in poems and lectures
creative adventures that let you
See and understand my heart

From the start I want you to know exactly where I stand
Because someday the mystery of my life will unravel
In front of God and I want to make sure
he knows the journey I've traveled

So when I fight Him about having stolen
I can say "look I took it on accident" or
"That time I yelled at my mother
Another part of me was mourning inside
Wondering why the love inside me had died
And yes, I am reticent so here read this,"
Shoving the papers on His desk
"Now you'll know what I really meant."

But mostly I want to show myself I'm trying
Because I'd be lying if I said I had an excuse for every sin
I need to know what to fix and why
So when I say goodbye to this world
The story I've told will be one that says
I'm trying

I want to spill myself open
Return my soul to the ocean by revealing my guilt
Because there are days I know I've built up my perfection
But really, it's just because I fear rejection.

I need you to know I'm not an angel.
I don't wear a halo.
And if you want me to say why,
I'll say so.

I have stolen.
I have cheated.
I've denied and wrongly pleaded.
I have bribed and been the briber.
I have lied and been the liar.
I've been the bully and false-crier.

I do these things and do them still
And everytime I think I've conquered I lose my will
There are days when I wear eight million facades
And I look in the mirror and ask
"Girl do you know who you really are?"

I want to confide myself in thousands of pages
So I can rip off my masks and put one less on back later
So that one day, all that's left is the raw uncut unfinished me.

I'm not perfect, I know, but I'm trying
Because its the little battles in our heart
That let us know whether we are living or dying.

***
"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?"
- Mark 8:26

I have no idea why I put this in here except that it was relevant to what I was writing.
***
Wow I haven't written a slam poem in forever though slam lines/ideas are constantly lurk in my brain. Needs some editing. Rough first draft. Pretty good for a free write at one thirty a.m.

Sleep to Dream.

6:43 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
I heard you fall asleep last night.
The way your dreams crept slowly in
through your ears across the phone line that now,
hung static.

That satisfied look on your face
As I walked by and saw you lying there
Phone clutched to ear, eyes closed, smile drawn out
and the pause after each breath 
a quite sort of purr.

I watched you dreaming and saw how
someone else's face sustained your smile.
Wishing I could be the voice across the airwaves,
Wishing I could be the dream you slept to.





On and On...

7:11 PM Posted In , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I am what I am because I am how I am how I are what I do is what I think is how I speak I put words together they flow together creating sentences creating thoughts creating who I am and who I'm not I can't define the infinite I can't define myself I go on through time past the divine you can see me and then you cant I’m here with you and then I’m gone 

I’m the melody I’m the lyric I’m the song I’m everything you wanted I’m everything you rejected I’m all you hate I’m all you wish to recreate I am that I am cause I am how I am and I cant help who I am I just am who I am when I am and sometimes I write words and sometimes I make noise exclaim my joy exclaim my hate I debate within myself I go back and forth with the universe about whether the sky is up or the earth is down I am the sound you hear when nothing is playing in between the tracks on your cd I’m the sound you hear when your lost and nothing is there for miles I’mo the crowd screaming its lungs out I’mo the forest alone I’m up and down and all around I’m in and out and I am that I am that I’m not and I don’t know what I didn't know but I do know ill know it all someday and i'll be an amazing collage of yes and no and I don’t know and how about yes and maybe the next time or sorry ill see you later

I’m humanity I’m diversity I’m ethnicity I’m not you I’m not me I’m not anything I’m words and thoughts and I love yous and I love you nots I’m today I’m tommorow I’m the here and the now and the nothing in between it all I’m the numbers in your phone book I’m the call you got but never took I’m on the airwaves trying tolet you hear the voice that calls the voice that disappears I am that I am that I was and I cant tell you all that you know but I can show you the love thats brewing in your own heart and make it explode and I cant create a miracle but I can create a future I can glue the past together and make it bloom and I am not what I said I was and I am everything I told you I thought I could be I was here with you and I wasnt I laughed and I cried and I lived and I died and sometimes I did this all at the sometime sometimes I did it in and out of mixed rhyme sometimes I fought myself two knives in hand other times I watched myself from the crowd just one spectator in a million person stand 

I didnt want to see what I saw but I saw what I did and I didnt know that you were lying and I didnt know that you were crying and I didnt mean to make you hurt on the inside I just wanted to show you that you bleed and blood is the color of alive and that I am living breathing dying crying all at once and sometimes I commit suicide while talking to myself hello how are you doing and it ends in an instance I’m awkward and I’m confident I’m in love and I’m so far out of the game I’m the winner and I’m the loser and the drawer and I’m never ever the same I am changing and I am growing I am staying the same and I am morphing I am all that you ever thought you couldnt be I am the dream you refused to see I am freedom and I’m a jailcell I’m all you ever talked about and all you never could say I’m the truth you could admit I’m the lie you could never tell I’m the person that you never knew I’m the stranger that you knew too well

I’m the up and I’m the down I’m the in and the out I’m the rollercoaster that keeps you riding in this little game of life I am the hipster I’m the mobster I’m the scene kid I’m the emo kid I’m all I couldn't be I’m all I ever was I am in and I am out and I am plain and I’m the word because and I can't definie myself I am just who I am when I am how I am whenever I want to be and I dont know if thats your definition of free because sometimes I carry chains and sometimes I lug around a basket full of pain but mostly I like to think I walk around with a bouquet of flowers and a couple of balloons mostly I think of the end and think god its gonna come too soon. 

I am that I am that I was that I will be and my body will end but i'll live into eternity cause my song keeps singing and the blood will spill itself across the sky and I will not die because you are my son and my daughter my friend and my lover and you are attached to me a little red string from here to eternity.

we are one.

Always Yesterday, Always Tomorow

9:57 AM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I don't have nightmares where you haunt me,
but I do have dreams where your friends
stop in and say "hello, 
how are you, how's it going."
Makes me wake up and wonder how they're doing.
Your face comes in, goes out -- but it cannot stay.

We forget the ones that hurt us most.
We block out all good they did
And all the kind words they used to say.
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